no... i'm not gravitating towards dumb-blonde-dom... just resonating 'all that' that's on my mom's tv right now. courtesy of hafiz of course... honestly it worries me that he's watching all this stuff! if he ends up getting a gf that speaks like that... "oh... my god! like.. whatever! like that's just soooo awe-some! *giggle*"... i will personally come home to kick is ass! ;p (yes... i'm sadistic ;))

niways... today... I'M IN LOVE! and this time, my affections lie not with a pet or stuffed animal... (since kevin already knows... mark and joel: nope... it's not a person either so rest assured... i'm not holding out on you;p), and this may sound really pretentious, but i'm in love with *drumroll* MY PROM DRESS! i can just imagine the numerous hand-to-forehead actions occuring simultaneously in kl and melbourne ;) yes people, if u for some reason doubted my retardedness and insanity... this should confirm it don't you think?

call me perasan... call me bitchy... heck call me lame! but it's the truth! for those of you who know of my 'wonderful memories' regarding my senior prom... this dress means the world to me. basically i decided that this year.. i wanted to berangan sorang-sorang with my dress. who cared if i got a date or not... if i lost enough weight or not... i planned on it being me... and my cool dress. since marshmallows like me can't get dresses off the rack... i got mine tailored. and i tried on the 'skeleton' today. i'm in love with it! atleast... if trinity's prom turns out to be a repeat of last year... i'll be hiding in the bathroom... or pigging out at il dolce freddo... in my wicked dress :D

moving on to what i did today... got a few things ticked off the list. got pressies for jacq jacq and ai-lynn and succumbed to my need for movies with a visit to see heng at amcorp mall. picked hafiz up from school... AND OH YEAH... my little brother is now a prefect probie at kg tunku primary school... WOOHOO! he worked so hard for it... i'm so proud of him. niways, he got his special tag that had his name, class and prefect tiltle on it. he was beaming ;p so this afternoon was good! AND (wow... lots of good news lately!)... joel was told yesterday that he can walk without his cast... which is good news since he's supposed to be in it for another 2 mths or so... so... i'm happy for you joe! but take it easy... u still owe all the girls a dance at prom!

things i STILL need to get done:
1. get pressies for the boys.
2. try and figure out a way to see saf, elaine and anya by tomorrow... which is beginning to look highly unlikely... so figure out a way to make it up to them (i miss you guys so much and i'm so sorry i haven't made time to see you guys this time ;().
3. mom wants me to get 'summer clothes'... for spring... hmm... ;)
4. finish packing!
5. stock up on hugs with spike, angel and sam.
6. convince mom and fiz to come with me :D

so to all my friends in kl... i'm sorry i've had to leave so soon and we haven't had time to hang out... when i get back, i promise! and to all my friends in melbourne... i'll be back in a few days... so enjoy your peace while you still have it;D

so sunday is just around the corner and i'm beginning to dump stuff 'more systematically' into my suitcase. not that i even unpacked to begin with... but i'm beginning to take notice of all the things that have and are yet to be put in. basically trying to keep my mind off the fact that i'm leaving lah! ;p

when i first came back here on the 16th... it took me about a week to acclimate to being home. it was weird... the 2 previous times i'd flown home... could not wait to land in klia and be with my family. my suitcase was out and propped open on my floor atleast a week before my departure date. but for some reason, when i came back this time... i started packing the day before. not that i wasn't excited about heading home, but for the first time i felt like as if i was ACTUALLY leaving something behind. or more... some PEOPLE behind. isn't that how we feel about the people at home? our friends and family that we see everyday and build routines with, when we leave for wherever, we break those routines and we sacrifice time with those people. with all that's happened within the past 10 weeks, and the closer i got to my friends, it's not that i began to miss home less... i just started to miss melbourne a little more. but now i'm back to 'normal' and i'm ridiculously happy to be home and I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE... YET! give me another week, somebody! :(

honestly, the thought of missing everything at home while in melbourne makes me homesick everyday. the thought that hafiz is getting bigger and learning and doing new things without me there to watch it materialise (and laugh most of the time :D), makes me feel like as if i'm missing out on so much! everytime i pack for melbourne, and i watch spike and angel pace around me with disapproval... i can't help but wonder whether they'll be around when i get back! *sniff sniff* ;p

so yeah... insane rambling aside... this time of the holidays isn't a pleasant one. so to get my mind off it... i preoccupied my day! yay! got joel's butter paper from mom's office this afternoon. coaxed mom into playing hookie and went shopping at forever 21 (woohoo! i love that shop! they cater for marshmallows like me!) and got a girly top to wear for spring in melbourne. best part was i even got her to buy some stuff too! i mean come on... how cool is it that my mom buys stuff from forever 21?!

so to date... i still need to:
1. get jacq jacq's danglies (cause the little one finally got her ears pierced last week! and i promised her prom date that i would help facillitate her impending glam-i-ness *you know who you are you sadistically evil person!*)
2. some stuff for ai-lynn, mark and kevin (though i already know what i'll be getting... i'm not writing it down at the risk that they find out :D)
3. movie therapy for myself with a visit to my dvd guy heng in amcorp mall
4. put the finishing touches on my prom dress

then it's back to melbourne... not quite home... but where i've been for the past 8 months... ;p

for my intoductory entry i write from where it all began... BACK IN KL! woohoo!

so yeah... back home for the holidays and i must say... lots have come into perspective for me within the past 10 days. my kick-in-the-a** moment happened yesterday evening, as i struggled to make it to 7pm having not consumed food or water since 5.30am (yes people, puasa is back... and me - sugar = cranky... so be warned!). for the first time since i left for melbourne, i turned on my desktop computer! what once was my lifeline had been sitting in my room untouched (if u ignore my cousins' wonderfully caring act of STEALING MY SPEAKERS A WEEK AFTER I LEFT!)... anyway moving on... i turned it on yesterday and i scrolled through all the crap i used to devote time to. specifically the story i began in form 2, but never completed. 167 pages in a pink floppy disk covered in dust by my mousepad. i used to spend hours rooted to my computer typing down the fictional story so complex i had to re-read the beginning to figure out how to approach the end! but as i went through it... something occured to me... i wasn't the author anymore...

writing has always given me the sense of salvation i needed. it was like as if, by making my characters suffer my problems instead of me, they would just disappear. then by ceasing to exist, my family was reassured. and mom didn't have to worry anymore. then... *jeng jeng jeng* PMR and SPM arrived! and i stopped.

now at 18, i remain a reader to my own work. i've changed so much within the past 7 months, it's no longer funny. when people previously accused me of it, i denied it almost defensively. but in truth... i did. alot. i was so comfortable with who i was, i was afraid that if i had changed, i would end up being one of THEM. the kid that made fun of kids like me.

in january 2006, i was a girl who saw nothing beyond trinity. that for the next 7 years, i was to dedicate my undivided attention to nothing but getting into, and ultimately graduating medical school. i saw no prospect of a personal life, and regarded friends as a CONSTANTLY changing trend. and God... the worst part of it all... i was the kind of girl that got all excited and waited patiently everyday (or week.. or month... whatever it took) for her ONLY guy friend to call her or come and see her. basically... i was the kind of girl who begged for difference and attention.

it's almost october... and i can't say that i'm more confident than before (i still have a few insecurites... but who doesn't?!), but i have changed. getting into medical school is proving harder than i thought... but i'm getting in... eventually ;p as for the friends... i've made 5 that have taught me so much and showed me what i've been truly missing. they in no way replace the one's i've made here, but they matter to me nonetheless. joel, mark and kevin are my 3 'irreplace-ables' ;p (and yeah... i have guy friends now!) joel makes me laugh so bad and spends everyday making so much effort to make me feel safe - mark has always been there for me... unconditionally, regardless of day or hour, to let me know i'm not alone - and kevin is the big brother i never had... always the first one to know if something's wrong and DO something about it. the girls, ai-lynn and jacq, are my little sisters. always there for the imminent girly-moments and reminding me on what is really important. and although i know that uni will split us apart, i know that this friendship isn't fleeting. i'll have friends... past this...

and the best part of it all... life looks different now. i still value the same things as before, but i'm not strung up about it anymore. all i can say is... bring it! i've got all i need...

katyana azman
1 may 1988

i'm different... and it doesn't bother me one bit...

writing till the hours blur.
REALLY nice cars.
consuming as much dark chocolate as humanly possible.
listening and singing to songs till i know every word by heart.

being with the family and friends that make me happy.

jacqueline sim
joel lee
jacqui kong
camelia soo
samantha sim
syafiq azman

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