playing in my head...
"I shouldn't love you but I want you. I just can't turn away. I shouldn't see you but I can't move. I can't look away...
And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not. Cause I don't know how to make this feeling stop...
Just so you know. This feeling's taking control of me. And I can't help it. I won't sit around. I can't let him win now.. Thought you should know. I've tried my best to let go of you. But I don't want to. I just gotta say it all before I go. Just so you know...
It's getting hard to be around you. There's so much I can't say. Do you want me to hide the feelings. And look the other way...
This emptiness is killing me. And I'm wondering why I've waited so long. Looking back I realise. It was always there just never spoken...
...I'm waiting here...been waiting here"
- jesse mccartney -
it seems over the last few weeks... angst has been nothing but a circulating theme for my blog. but for those of you who have remained diligent readers of it regardless... i sincerely thank you. these past 3 months have presented nothing but turmoil for me, and i REALLY appreciate you guys taking the time to read my ramblings and respond to them... thanks for being there guys ;p
mom - thanks for being your amazing self! i know i'm a massive handful (always have been ;p) and that being away from home troubles you when you know i'm sad or disturbed or depressed or all of the above (which happens alot ;p). but never once have you ever discouraged me or held me back from my dreams. thank you for hugging me all those times i needed it. thank you for kicking me in the butt all those times i needed it ;p i'm going off to university (eventhough i didn't think i would a few months ago!) because you never gave up on me. thank you for all those times you've told me i make you proud. and most of all... thank you for making ME so proud that i have an amazing mom like you to look up to ;) love you lots mommy.
hafiz - you are the best little brother any sister could ask for. you're way too young to understand why i've been crying lately, and i pray to God you will never have to go through what i did, but you still hugged me and told me, "everything's gonna be okay kakak!" and that meant the world to me! i am so proud of the person you are becoming and i want you to remember that no matter how far away i am, kakak loves you loads okay! (and don't let abang ridwan torture any of my teddy bears while i'm at school ;p)
cammy - thanks for encouraging and comforting me (all the way from auckland!) despite having experienced problems of your own. knowing that you'll always be your crazy and amazing self through all the change and distance has helped me so much :)
saf and elaine - thanks for all the smses and phonecalls you guys made to check up on me. i want you guys to know how happy i am for both of you that you guys have found stability and fun in your lives ;) hope we can hang out soon!
jacqui - thanks for the multiple (and lengthy!) talking/bashing sessions we've been having... just knowing that i have you on my cheer squad makes everything seem simpler somehow.
mark - thanks for picking up the phone everytime my number flashed by... i know it can get annoying, having me call or sms every single day, but i want you to know how much it means to me having you there. regardless. you've heard and seen me cry more than most, and have yet to pass judgement or make me feel worse. thanks for always making me laugh! hug hug, mark! ;p
joel - thanks for being my younger older brother ;p... picking up my calls and giving me someone to talk to... about everything. having you with me in the non-melbourne uni-pond (eventhough yours was entirely by choice ;p) gives me a sense of anticipation for this year. thanks for talking to me about the things we've talked about lately... thank you lots joe ;D
jacq jacq - thanks for being my source of optimism and comfort. i know you want me staying nearby and attending melbourne uni with you, but i promise you jacq-jacq i'll be seeing you lots and you won't even notice i'm gone ;)
kevin - thanks for putting up with me! we've been through our FAIR share of ups and downs over the past year, but despite everything you've continued to be there for me as best you could. i'm sorry things didn't turn out the way we wanted it to and i'm especially sorry for all the times i made you want to doubt who you are and what you were doing, but i want you to know i wouldn't trade any of our fights or 'confession games' for the world... it brought me here ;)
lee - thanks for making me your 'haley' ;) i always thought that title meant the end of me, but you've shown me that being a 'haley' comes with a massive perk - having my 'lucas' look out for me everyday. we may disagree on a lot of things, but i'm glad i can count on you to look out for everyone (you know who i mean! ;p) if i'm not around. thanks for making me smile.
for those of you who consoled me but i am yet to personally thank you for... thank you!!! ;p
