i think it's about time this blog hosted something other than doom and despair. and like the title suggests... i have a list of 'happy' things to share ;)

today is august 31st. on this day in 1957, malaysia reached its independence. and though it has probably taken me the experience of having to leave home to truly appreciate malaysia as an amazing place to grow up, i was not spared today from joining all my fellow home-leavers in being proud that we'd reached 50. unfortunately i couldn't participate in the pre-merdeka celeberations that took place in the city last night - what with the horrendous presentation i had to prep for this morning! - but as i sat on the tram riding back home from school today, i realised just what a big deal today was! i mean... FIFTY YEARS! all those people who fought for us back when we didn't have the strength to fight for ourselves... what would they say if they saw us now? we may not be perfect... we may be far from ideal... but we've reached our fiftieth year of independence all on our own...

so here's a big happy merdeka for everyone who calls malaysia home! and a big happy birthday for the tiny country who was willing to defy them all ;)

speaking of birthdays...

yesterday was my cousin sarah's 17th birthday. and the day before that... was my uncle eh's 55th birthday. so as you can see... august is a rather terrible time to be away :( hehehe... but on a lighter note... sarah was taken for a trip around the world with her parents in time for her birthday, and uncle eh was treated to an amazing barbeque at our new place. so to two of the most colourful people in my family... here's a huge HAPPY BIRTHDAY and lots of hugs to go with it.

to uncle eh... i know you're enjoying yourself beating me at online scrabble... but i'm pretty sure there's a catch i'm not seeing... and that when i DO... you and man are going down!! hehehe ;) hope the barbeque was as good as it sounded... and i'm missing your great big hugs to death! ;D

to little sarah... don't think i can call you that anymore, huh? i can't believe you turned SEVENTEEN already! gone are the days of you being the tiny, coconut-ponytailed little girl, and me being the annoying, overbearing and ridiculously loud older one....

wait...

hehehehe... things on the erratic capital front have been pretty good too. the weather's been brutal, but apart from that the days have been great. last night i attended the trinity college awards ceremony, to which i was the proud guest of mark tan, jacqueline sim, kevin tan and wong ai-lynn as the school acknowledged their academic excellence. it was a true honour standing back in buzzard theatre after all these months, as i watched some of my closest friends walk up one by one. and eventhough i mildly resented the fact that i couldn't be up there with them due to the altered state of mind which i occupied from february till december of last year... not a moment passed that i wasn't extremely proud of them all ;) so much so, that mark thought i needed to take a 'parent survey' slip instead of a student one (go die lah you... i know you were glad i was there! who else were you going to fight with?!).

there will be more on last night's awards and the dinner with berlin that followed... really soon when i get the pictures back from mark ;D so in the mean time... have a good weekend everyone! (jacq: don't overdo the studying... you'll be fine! i'll see you when the test's over... for both of us ;p)

i've had the most hectic month. never did i believe it possible to feel as much or to struggle as much as i have in the last 30 days. granted, to compare my pain with that of those who surround themselves with utter chaos and true suffering would be nothing short of a crime... buta pinprick is still a pinprick. it may not be gunshot to the head... but it bleeds all the same ;)

academically things have been going okay. last semester yielded pretty good results, leaving me relatively confident of my hopeful transfer to melbourne uni. with that in mind, i attended the university's open day on the 19th. i don't know whether it's because i'm a uni student now... a far cry from the eager post-secondary kid that wandered the grounds last year... but the responses i got were pretty hopeful. i was told that i can look to apply sometime in october if my grades permit...

now someone in my postition - determined and ready to go with a distinction average in her back pocket - would be rather 'stoked' about all the hype and encouragement. but all i've faced with since is a barrage of decisions and conflicts about whether i should stay or move. now i can hear most of you going "what the? she's be going on and on and on about moving to melbourne uni and about how much deakin isn't the right fit... why is she backing out now?!"

it's because lately i've learned that there is a higher order in life than that which we occupy. and no... i haven't joined a religious sect or reinforced my faith (though i know i should!) since writing last and i'm not referring to any religious references either. i'm talking about life in general. about how sometimes you get so caught up in the things that YOU want... you forget that there are people and environments around you that depend on the choices you make. by moving to melbourne uni i'll be leaving the security of deakin behind. i've made friends at that school who have no idea that i've been planning to leave all this while. some will undoubtedly take it as a betrayal... whilst i look to others and be saddened by the fact that i won't have the time to build proper friendships with them all. i leave deakin for an environment that is definitely more challenging. more demanding. can i keep my head above water over there? but then... why move why i'm doing laps already where i am? BUT THEN... i acknowledge how much deakin has relaxed me... and no matter how great or comfortable the uni looks, this is an attitude that i can't continue. i've lost the drive. i've lost the rhythm of it all. and i'm the works of getting it back... but... is it too late? have i slipped so far down the chain this semester, that all because i was trying to fit in and have fun... i've already let my future at melbourne uni go?!

and as we progress past the academic confusion that currently occupies my headspace ;)
my social life has been nothing but a rollercoaster. to name names would be unfair, but those of you who know me best know of the people to which i refer. there were moments where i absolutely loved where i was at, happy and free and feeling for the first time that i was actually wanted. and at other times, i felt degraded... not by others but by myself... for having allowed them to take me for granted and for putting up with it for so long. for a person who holds so much standards and ideals about life and relationships, i can't believe i'd subjective myself to all that. for not taking a hint when i should have... and most of all... for not returning the hint back!

so i can honestly say... that after 18 months of pining for a boy who wouldn't love me back and struggling for a school that wouldn't take me... i have let everything go and have started all over again ;) i know what i want in life and i'm gonna make damn sure that everything is going to be okay. i've come to realise what's important in life... my family and the friends that surround me... the future i chart for myself... and the lives i can touch on the way ;)

with that in mind... here are the pictures i promised :D

gwen stefani's concert at rod laver arena (thanks to berlin and uncle lawrence for bringing me!!)

finding a replacement for my old skin took ALOT longer than i previously thought... but here it is guys... a new look for a new start ;)

unfortunately, it's too late for me to be typing up a post right now. i've stayed home this weekend to apparently catch up on work... but all i've done so far is catch up on laundry ;p so i'm going to attempt to atleast salvage whatever is left of my weekend with a little late night chemistry reading.

but over the next few days, expect pictures from my mount dandenong road trip and other little bits i've collected over the last month...

have a great monday guys! (if that's even remotely possible ;p)

hug hug!
yana-

don't worry people (yes... by people i mean you too jacqui ;D)... updates are coming soon!

but before i attempt to post up words and pictures from the latest goings on in the high-octane life of me...

katyana azman
1 may 1988

i'm different... and it doesn't bother me one bit...

writing till the hours blur.
REALLY nice cars.
consuming as much dark chocolate as humanly possible.
listening and singing to songs till i know every word by heart.

being with the family and friends that make me happy.

jacqueline sim
joel lee
jacqui kong
camelia soo
samantha sim
syafiq azman

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