stuck
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
the title pretty much epitomizes how i'm feeling right now...
stuck.
this thing with millie is really starting to get to me. though everyone at home (with the exception of hafiz) knows what's roughly going on with her, i feel like i'm the only one carrying the burden around. at the risk of sounding insanely self-centred, i was the only one in that examination room who was given the play-by-play of millie's symptoms. so now every time she falls asleep - which is about every hour or so on average - i feel like the walking dead. every time she looks me in the eye, i feel like the walking dead. every time i carry her and cradle her huge tummy in my hands, i feel like the walking dead. i feel like crap every second that i'm around her and even more so when i'm not and wondering if she's okay. in 24 hours i've grown obsessed with whether she's taken her meds - which is stupid because it's a daily dose, which brings the consumption count to about one since yesterday. i don't even have time to worry about whether i'll get to keep max because the thought of potentially losing TWO of my cats is something my brain can't even seem to process.
and since a pity fest is never complete without more self-loathing, i really really miss mark and jacqueline. in fact, i miss all my friends. ridiculous, i know, considering most of them aren't very far away to begin with. but as i often do when faced with troubles of any nature, i run to them on instinct. i pick up the phone or take that 15 minute train ride just so i can vent and/or cry about whatever it is that's bothering me. instantly, i feel like i can breathe again if i do. this has unfortunately developed into a habit. by the time mark grew accustomed to being my default panic button, it was barely a year into our friendship and i was yet to hear any stories about the things that plague his life. jacqueline has been like a little sister to me since we first met, and i have only seen her cry once. same goes for jacqui, cammy, afiq and anyone else unlucky enough to be inaugarated into my close circle of friends.
i feel like i've always been the one that needed saving - irregardless of whether i was elder one in the equation. i was always taking and consoling my conscience that merely telling them that i was there, that they would come to me when they needed me - that THAT was my way of giving back. and yet neither one of them ever has. accumulatively, each and every one of them could dictate the entire list of things that have ever happened in my life. each primary references to the convoluted mess that is the chronicles of katyana azman. but if i were the one tasked with penning their memiors... i probably wouldn't make it past the prologue.
this basically translates to two things. either i am the most emotionally challenged individual on the planet - completely incapable of organising my own feelings that i resort to needing others to sort it out for me. or that i've been a crappy excuse for a friend and just haven't been paying enough attention. either way... things aren't looking too good for me.
so as much as i want to cry. as much as i want to scream. as much as i want to hear mark and jacqueline's voices and have them give me their signature 'pat pat's and 'big hug's... i'm not going to. because knowing that they're struggling through their own problems and never needing to be coddled as i do, makes me want to cry and scream even more.
i REALLY miss my friends. and i REALLY don't want to have to leave home. and i DEFINITELY don't want to have to watch if millie starts to get sicker. but topping my list of things i don't want to do:
i REALLY don't want to have to need people.
stuck.
this thing with millie is really starting to get to me. though everyone at home (with the exception of hafiz) knows what's roughly going on with her, i feel like i'm the only one carrying the burden around. at the risk of sounding insanely self-centred, i was the only one in that examination room who was given the play-by-play of millie's symptoms. so now every time she falls asleep - which is about every hour or so on average - i feel like the walking dead. every time she looks me in the eye, i feel like the walking dead. every time i carry her and cradle her huge tummy in my hands, i feel like the walking dead. i feel like crap every second that i'm around her and even more so when i'm not and wondering if she's okay. in 24 hours i've grown obsessed with whether she's taken her meds - which is stupid because it's a daily dose, which brings the consumption count to about one since yesterday. i don't even have time to worry about whether i'll get to keep max because the thought of potentially losing TWO of my cats is something my brain can't even seem to process.
and since a pity fest is never complete without more self-loathing, i really really miss mark and jacqueline. in fact, i miss all my friends. ridiculous, i know, considering most of them aren't very far away to begin with. but as i often do when faced with troubles of any nature, i run to them on instinct. i pick up the phone or take that 15 minute train ride just so i can vent and/or cry about whatever it is that's bothering me. instantly, i feel like i can breathe again if i do. this has unfortunately developed into a habit. by the time mark grew accustomed to being my default panic button, it was barely a year into our friendship and i was yet to hear any stories about the things that plague his life. jacqueline has been like a little sister to me since we first met, and i have only seen her cry once. same goes for jacqui, cammy, afiq and anyone else unlucky enough to be inaugarated into my close circle of friends.
i feel like i've always been the one that needed saving - irregardless of whether i was elder one in the equation. i was always taking and consoling my conscience that merely telling them that i was there, that they would come to me when they needed me - that THAT was my way of giving back. and yet neither one of them ever has. accumulatively, each and every one of them could dictate the entire list of things that have ever happened in my life. each primary references to the convoluted mess that is the chronicles of katyana azman. but if i were the one tasked with penning their memiors... i probably wouldn't make it past the prologue.
this basically translates to two things. either i am the most emotionally challenged individual on the planet - completely incapable of organising my own feelings that i resort to needing others to sort it out for me. or that i've been a crappy excuse for a friend and just haven't been paying enough attention. either way... things aren't looking too good for me.
so as much as i want to cry. as much as i want to scream. as much as i want to hear mark and jacqueline's voices and have them give me their signature 'pat pat's and 'big hug's... i'm not going to. because knowing that they're struggling through their own problems and never needing to be coddled as i do, makes me want to cry and scream even more.
i REALLY miss my friends. and i REALLY don't want to have to leave home. and i DEFINITELY don't want to have to watch if millie starts to get sicker. but topping my list of things i don't want to do:
i REALLY don't want to have to need people.
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1 Comments:
i'm calling you tomorrow. *BIG HUGS x infinity*
the second-month ache
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
i dread februaries.
february has undoubtedly become the month with which all the joy and happiness stocked up over the summer, begins its painful and agonising retreat into oblivion. in school, it marked the ending of our first month back - whereby the honeymoon period of 'getting to know the new year' came to a halt and homework was begrudgingly re-introduced. when i left for college, it meant leaving home for the first time and having to adjust to a life of isolated independence. when university started, it became all about proving my worth and fighting for the dream that now seemed so close at hand. 2nd and 3rd year were no different - trying to push aside the previous year's disappointments, packing that suitcase and trying my hand, once again, at climbing the highest peak possible.
so why did i think the february of my graduate diploma-year would be any less frustrating?
i'm due to be back in melbourne in less than two weeks. 13 days to be exact. i drove over to the education agency today and paid my first semester's fees - which means that in a couple of days my eCoe will be issued and turning back would be a moot point. but unlike the years that came before this, i haven't been back for as long as i have this summer. i wasn't given the opportunity to get re-attached to the place i called my fulltime home for 18 years. since 2006, leaving melbourne at the end of each semester was a goal rather than an award for my efforts... the frosted icing to the impossible and insanely lonely cake. but the more trips i made, the less flying to melbourne felt like a punishment. my friends were there... my uni was there... my apartment was there... max was there ^^ so what would happen if had most of that taken away?
the landlord whom i had hailed as the best in the world decided to make my life a little more interesting this semester. after 3 years of occupying 808/700, he's decided that i'll only be allowed to extend my lease on one condition: that i move back into the house without max. my previous realtor has disappeared and a new property management agency has taken over - perfectly fine except that a new agent requires new papers. and as i started sigining my initials on each page, mom noticed the clause about not keeping pets on the premises. when i asked them to reconfirm max's position with the landlord, i get told that he is now unwilling to grant me permission to keep her. we are thus left with two options:
A) sign the lease and find max alternative accomodations
B) burn the lease (and i mean literally) and find another apartment within the next 13 days that'll except me, my furniture and my schizophrenic feline.
i dread februaries.
to add to my growing lists of problems is the latest addition to our family - baby millie. and no, i did not have a child during my 2-year blogging absence. millie is a 4.5 mth old persian kitten that my mom and i got hafiz for his 13th birthday. for 2 months she was the epitome of perfection. she provided our household with the laughter and amusement we once enjoyed when spike, maya and jinx were young. but a few weeks ago, that all changed. i've spent almost every week camped out at the vet's office in subang, attempting to suss out every new ailment that comes millie's way. staying true to the trooper that she is, she's endured so much and come out as playful as always. today i was told that her latest battle may very well be her last.
the doctors suspect that millie has a condition called FIP. for the life of me, i can't remember what it stands for, what causes it or what exactly they know about it. but what i DO remember is that vets call it a 'death sentance'. insanely rare in cats as young as millie... heck, insanely rare alltogether. but what it boils down to is, if millie has FIP... she won't survive no matter how much of a trooper she's been.
i sat in the examination room and watched her scurry around through all the crevices she could find, completely oblivious to the judgment that has now fallen upon her. it made me doubt whether i'd ever be able to let go of my patients in future... when potentially letting go of a cat i've had since december seemed almost impossible. it was the question that pushed me to want to help children in the first place: "how could something so difficult, happen to someone so little, when they are too young to even understand why?" and yet today, it was the question that made me resent the injustice of it all.
but as i said, it's just a suspicion for the moment. they assume... they guess... but they aren't certain. though the diagnosis seems to lean towards FIP, millie's behaviour and eating habits wholly defy the disease's symptoms. the vets are boggled and are hoping that millie will prove them wrong. i'm praying that she does too.
have i mentioned i dread februaries?
it seems that my entire month will be embroiled in feline predicaments... both at home and internationally. but februaries always suck because it ultimately marks the end of a chapter.
tomorrow i start my 13th day and final week as an intern at prince court. in two weeks i'll be heading back to melbourne to start a new year at deakin... something i'm not too thrilled about. going back to the happiest school on earth, yes... having to leave my family to do it, not so much. this summer has made me realise how much i miss being home. being the one to pick hafiz up from school and driving him insane with embarassment as i cheer hysterically from the bleachers at sports' day. to hang out with mom at work and see her face light up whenever she describes a new project to me. to spend more weekends cruising around with the top down on the z4 after a girls' night out, just the two of us. but most of all, i miss being home when the days are good and horrendously bad - just so i could give them both a hug at the end of it.
i dread februaries because for the last 4 years... it has taken everything that makes me feel safe, happy... everything that i care about... and throws it 6000kms away.
february has undoubtedly become the month with which all the joy and happiness stocked up over the summer, begins its painful and agonising retreat into oblivion. in school, it marked the ending of our first month back - whereby the honeymoon period of 'getting to know the new year' came to a halt and homework was begrudgingly re-introduced. when i left for college, it meant leaving home for the first time and having to adjust to a life of isolated independence. when university started, it became all about proving my worth and fighting for the dream that now seemed so close at hand. 2nd and 3rd year were no different - trying to push aside the previous year's disappointments, packing that suitcase and trying my hand, once again, at climbing the highest peak possible.
so why did i think the february of my graduate diploma-year would be any less frustrating?
i'm due to be back in melbourne in less than two weeks. 13 days to be exact. i drove over to the education agency today and paid my first semester's fees - which means that in a couple of days my eCoe will be issued and turning back would be a moot point. but unlike the years that came before this, i haven't been back for as long as i have this summer. i wasn't given the opportunity to get re-attached to the place i called my fulltime home for 18 years. since 2006, leaving melbourne at the end of each semester was a goal rather than an award for my efforts... the frosted icing to the impossible and insanely lonely cake. but the more trips i made, the less flying to melbourne felt like a punishment. my friends were there... my uni was there... my apartment was there... max was there ^^ so what would happen if had most of that taken away?
the landlord whom i had hailed as the best in the world decided to make my life a little more interesting this semester. after 3 years of occupying 808/700, he's decided that i'll only be allowed to extend my lease on one condition: that i move back into the house without max. my previous realtor has disappeared and a new property management agency has taken over - perfectly fine except that a new agent requires new papers. and as i started sigining my initials on each page, mom noticed the clause about not keeping pets on the premises. when i asked them to reconfirm max's position with the landlord, i get told that he is now unwilling to grant me permission to keep her. we are thus left with two options:
A) sign the lease and find max alternative accomodations
B) burn the lease (and i mean literally) and find another apartment within the next 13 days that'll except me, my furniture and my schizophrenic feline.
i dread februaries.
to add to my growing lists of problems is the latest addition to our family - baby millie. and no, i did not have a child during my 2-year blogging absence. millie is a 4.5 mth old persian kitten that my mom and i got hafiz for his 13th birthday. for 2 months she was the epitome of perfection. she provided our household with the laughter and amusement we once enjoyed when spike, maya and jinx were young. but a few weeks ago, that all changed. i've spent almost every week camped out at the vet's office in subang, attempting to suss out every new ailment that comes millie's way. staying true to the trooper that she is, she's endured so much and come out as playful as always. today i was told that her latest battle may very well be her last.
the doctors suspect that millie has a condition called FIP. for the life of me, i can't remember what it stands for, what causes it or what exactly they know about it. but what i DO remember is that vets call it a 'death sentance'. insanely rare in cats as young as millie... heck, insanely rare alltogether. but what it boils down to is, if millie has FIP... she won't survive no matter how much of a trooper she's been.
i sat in the examination room and watched her scurry around through all the crevices she could find, completely oblivious to the judgment that has now fallen upon her. it made me doubt whether i'd ever be able to let go of my patients in future... when potentially letting go of a cat i've had since december seemed almost impossible. it was the question that pushed me to want to help children in the first place: "how could something so difficult, happen to someone so little, when they are too young to even understand why?" and yet today, it was the question that made me resent the injustice of it all.
but as i said, it's just a suspicion for the moment. they assume... they guess... but they aren't certain. though the diagnosis seems to lean towards FIP, millie's behaviour and eating habits wholly defy the disease's symptoms. the vets are boggled and are hoping that millie will prove them wrong. i'm praying that she does too.
have i mentioned i dread februaries?
it seems that my entire month will be embroiled in feline predicaments... both at home and internationally. but februaries always suck because it ultimately marks the end of a chapter.
tomorrow i start my 13th day and final week as an intern at prince court. in two weeks i'll be heading back to melbourne to start a new year at deakin... something i'm not too thrilled about. going back to the happiest school on earth, yes... having to leave my family to do it, not so much. this summer has made me realise how much i miss being home. being the one to pick hafiz up from school and driving him insane with embarassment as i cheer hysterically from the bleachers at sports' day. to hang out with mom at work and see her face light up whenever she describes a new project to me. to spend more weekends cruising around with the top down on the z4 after a girls' night out, just the two of us. but most of all, i miss being home when the days are good and horrendously bad - just so i could give them both a hug at the end of it.
i dread februaries because for the last 4 years... it has taken everything that makes me feel safe, happy... everything that i care about... and throws it 6000kms away.
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