end of the month...
Monday, May 31, 2010
where has the month of may gone?! i usually gravitate my yearly calendar around the fifth month... may's always been yana's january ^^ who needs the 1st of the 1st... when the 1st of the 5th always came with presents ;)
but work has undoubtedly had my attention this entire semester. 12 weeks have come and left... and my sitting through the GradDip orientation session still felt like it was a few days ago. thankfully, the end of any trimester comes with certain perks!
exhibit A:
the pre-existing side of my desktop has striked out by a ginormous margin... all i have left to do is to submit the final version of my lit review - which theoretically isn't due till just before the beginning of the next timester - and i'll be in the clear! ^^ this also means that if everything goes according to plan, i'll get to go home in just under 3 weeks! *happy dance*. i'll only be allowed back for 6 days... but hey. if you're away long enough... you'll take anything you can get ;)
that does, of course, mean that i have to survive finals first... noted by the latest additions to my screen O_O. but oh well... a necessary evil ^^ (note: funny... that's what my classmates and i refer to the entire course we're doing! XD)
anyways... i better try and get a head start on that studying. took the entire weekend off despite promising to do otherwise :( been feeling pretty down lately, for specific reasons unknown. as always, i'm blaming it on the insane amount of work and stress this course has me under. not that i should be complaining... if any program would introduce me to the horrors of med school... it'd be this! all of mom's dr friends have said that if i could survive one year of postgrad... medicine would be a walk in the park! funny how i don't really believe them O_O hahaha!
but yeah... work is stressful and my mind's divided over the fact that i want and should be applying for med school at this point. however, it so much feels like something i should sit down and take the time to do - a luxury i can't afford with trying to prep for assignments and exams. jacqueline's gone back to singapore as part of the summer break she never got - which basically means i have no one to talk to when the day ends :( she usually goes on about her love for all things lee minho... and i decide that my boy khun would kick minho's ass at all things hotness-related... and we squabble for about an hour while i make the trip home from uni. completely unimportant in the grand scheme of things... but not having someone to 'argue' with everyday has kind of reinforced the silence.
it's strange, considering the fact that i used to talk to the boys more. i still do speak to mark on an average daily basis... but eversince i decided to take stock of our friendship, the content of our conversations have markedly (no pun intended) changed. i realised that my relationship with the boys i knew from trinity - namely mark and kevin - started out backward. they were responsible for talking me down and/or putting me back together after some pretty major drama... and friendships shouldn't start that way! after spending some time at deakin and 'getting a life of my own', i realised just how messed up our interactions were! and with all the stuff that me and kevin were going through after our first year in melbourne, he could no longer became the one i unloaded my crap on to. a duty that - till this very day - i feel guilty about imparting on mark.
sarah likes to refer to my 'relationship' to both mark and kevin as a 'the threesome period' O_O. rather crude and grotesque when mentioned out loud... but kind of logical when thought about in context. i was such a drama queen that BOTH of them had to be around to baby me when i needed it back then. if kevin was detained for whatever reason, mark would make sure i knew that he knew that he was now the one 'in charge' of taking care of me. for an 18-yr-old girl whom had had a rather crappy track record with the men in her life, that notion made me all warm and fuzzy each day. but i'm 22 now... and i'd like to think i did some major growing up these last few years. kevin and i have maintained an awesome friendship, but it's my relationship with mark that remains the subject of many personal psych assessments.
over the last couple of years, i couldn't help but ask myself one pretty basic question:
i don't deny that he cares for me. i say that with complete confidence. because i would do just about anything for him in return. but i'm not foolish enough to blindly say that he's as emotionally vested into our friendship as i am. he knows every detail about my life... all the things i'm not proud of... all the things that keep me up at night and scare the shit out of me. and he knows those things not because he asked or was there to witness it first hand - he knows because i'd call him up in a manic and force it onto him. and yet in 4.5yrs... i could count the amount of times he's done that to me on one hand! but mark isn't an overtly emotional person. he'd much rather stew over things that piss him off and (like a pressure cooker) let the steam blow off on its own. so i've stopped fussing over this inbalance on my part... he knows he has my undivided attention whenever he needs.
but i guess what this ridiculously convoluted post is trying to get to, is that i've stopped. i looked at my friendship with mark - one that means the absolute world to me, one that i want alive and kicking when my kids need someone to spoil them - and realised that i didn't want it governed by trauma. i remember talking to him on the phone one day and he said "you don't tell me things anymore". i brushed him off jokingly and said "yeah, i think i've fulfilled the 'yana's dumping of problems on mark' quota for the day", and he said with complete seriousness "you know there's no such thing. there's no quota for you to fill, kat. if you have something on your mind, talk to me". it was the sweetest and scariest thing anyone's ever said to me. i realised that i couldn't condemn him to the perpetual role of being my saviour. i was almost 20 at the time, and didn't want our friendship dictated by my mental and emotional instability. i guess i wanted mark to be my friend for me. for the funny, brilliant and drop-dead gorgeous, me! XD
so i don't call on him anymore when i'm feeling down. in fact, i make a point to NOT call him when i'm feeling like crap. which is why the last few days have been pretty horrible. i'm seriously beginning to think that i'm suffering from a comorbid case of depression as a result of my IR (another fascinating tid bit i discovered during my lit review research). then again it could also mean i'm a lazy bum who's burnt out and couldn't be bothered with work ;) but either way... the conclusion of this semester has been downright miserable - and with mom out of the country and operating on a reversed timezone, i can't even rely on my 4-5daily calls routine to keep me going! :( but i don't want her feeling bad about me and rushing home (or maybe even over since apparently melbourne's closer to where she's at). hahaha. i'm just gonna have to 'bite the bullet' as she colloquially says... and pray that the 'omg i want to stare at the ceiling all day and hope the couch consumes me' feeling goes away in time for finals ^^
oh and before i put an end to the post that should've concluded 6million words ago...
but work has undoubtedly had my attention this entire semester. 12 weeks have come and left... and my sitting through the GradDip orientation session still felt like it was a few days ago. thankfully, the end of any trimester comes with certain perks!
exhibit A:
the pre-existing side of my desktop has striked out by a ginormous margin... all i have left to do is to submit the final version of my lit review - which theoretically isn't due till just before the beginning of the next timester - and i'll be in the clear! ^^ this also means that if everything goes according to plan, i'll get to go home in just under 3 weeks! *happy dance*. i'll only be allowed back for 6 days... but hey. if you're away long enough... you'll take anything you can get ;)
that does, of course, mean that i have to survive finals first... noted by the latest additions to my screen O_O. but oh well... a necessary evil ^^ (note: funny... that's what my classmates and i refer to the entire course we're doing! XD)
anyways... i better try and get a head start on that studying. took the entire weekend off despite promising to do otherwise :( been feeling pretty down lately, for specific reasons unknown. as always, i'm blaming it on the insane amount of work and stress this course has me under. not that i should be complaining... if any program would introduce me to the horrors of med school... it'd be this! all of mom's dr friends have said that if i could survive one year of postgrad... medicine would be a walk in the park! funny how i don't really believe them O_O hahaha!
but yeah... work is stressful and my mind's divided over the fact that i want and should be applying for med school at this point. however, it so much feels like something i should sit down and take the time to do - a luxury i can't afford with trying to prep for assignments and exams. jacqueline's gone back to singapore as part of the summer break she never got - which basically means i have no one to talk to when the day ends :( she usually goes on about her love for all things lee minho... and i decide that my boy khun would kick minho's ass at all things hotness-related... and we squabble for about an hour while i make the trip home from uni. completely unimportant in the grand scheme of things... but not having someone to 'argue' with everyday has kind of reinforced the silence.
it's strange, considering the fact that i used to talk to the boys more. i still do speak to mark on an average daily basis... but eversince i decided to take stock of our friendship, the content of our conversations have markedly (no pun intended) changed. i realised that my relationship with the boys i knew from trinity - namely mark and kevin - started out backward. they were responsible for talking me down and/or putting me back together after some pretty major drama... and friendships shouldn't start that way! after spending some time at deakin and 'getting a life of my own', i realised just how messed up our interactions were! and with all the stuff that me and kevin were going through after our first year in melbourne, he could no longer became the one i unloaded my crap on to. a duty that - till this very day - i feel guilty about imparting on mark.
sarah likes to refer to my 'relationship' to both mark and kevin as a 'the threesome period' O_O. rather crude and grotesque when mentioned out loud... but kind of logical when thought about in context. i was such a drama queen that BOTH of them had to be around to baby me when i needed it back then. if kevin was detained for whatever reason, mark would make sure i knew that he knew that he was now the one 'in charge' of taking care of me. for an 18-yr-old girl whom had had a rather crappy track record with the men in her life, that notion made me all warm and fuzzy each day. but i'm 22 now... and i'd like to think i did some major growing up these last few years. kevin and i have maintained an awesome friendship, but it's my relationship with mark that remains the subject of many personal psych assessments.
over the last couple of years, i couldn't help but ask myself one pretty basic question:
'if mark had a choice... if someone had given mark the choice of not being the one responsible for yana's nonesense... if i was in fact shameful enough at the time not to call him in particular whenever my life got bad... would he still be that person for me today?'
i don't deny that he cares for me. i say that with complete confidence. because i would do just about anything for him in return. but i'm not foolish enough to blindly say that he's as emotionally vested into our friendship as i am. he knows every detail about my life... all the things i'm not proud of... all the things that keep me up at night and scare the shit out of me. and he knows those things not because he asked or was there to witness it first hand - he knows because i'd call him up in a manic and force it onto him. and yet in 4.5yrs... i could count the amount of times he's done that to me on one hand! but mark isn't an overtly emotional person. he'd much rather stew over things that piss him off and (like a pressure cooker) let the steam blow off on its own. so i've stopped fussing over this inbalance on my part... he knows he has my undivided attention whenever he needs.
but i guess what this ridiculously convoluted post is trying to get to, is that i've stopped. i looked at my friendship with mark - one that means the absolute world to me, one that i want alive and kicking when my kids need someone to spoil them - and realised that i didn't want it governed by trauma. i remember talking to him on the phone one day and he said "you don't tell me things anymore". i brushed him off jokingly and said "yeah, i think i've fulfilled the 'yana's dumping of problems on mark' quota for the day", and he said with complete seriousness "you know there's no such thing. there's no quota for you to fill, kat. if you have something on your mind, talk to me". it was the sweetest and scariest thing anyone's ever said to me. i realised that i couldn't condemn him to the perpetual role of being my saviour. i was almost 20 at the time, and didn't want our friendship dictated by my mental and emotional instability. i guess i wanted mark to be my friend for me. for the funny, brilliant and drop-dead gorgeous, me! XD
so i don't call on him anymore when i'm feeling down. in fact, i make a point to NOT call him when i'm feeling like crap. which is why the last few days have been pretty horrible. i'm seriously beginning to think that i'm suffering from a comorbid case of depression as a result of my IR (another fascinating tid bit i discovered during my lit review research). then again it could also mean i'm a lazy bum who's burnt out and couldn't be bothered with work ;) but either way... the conclusion of this semester has been downright miserable - and with mom out of the country and operating on a reversed timezone, i can't even rely on my 4-5daily calls routine to keep me going! :( but i don't want her feeling bad about me and rushing home (or maybe even over since apparently melbourne's closer to where she's at). hahaha. i'm just gonna have to 'bite the bullet' as she colloquially says... and pray that the 'omg i want to stare at the ceiling all day and hope the couch consumes me' feeling goes away in time for finals ^^
oh and before i put an end to the post that should've concluded 6million words ago...
HAPPY BELATED 22ND BIRTHDAY, CAMELIA SOO!
i know i wished you online and on facebook... but i figured the more avenues the better! ;) love you!
till the next time verbal diarrhea consumes me! ^^
till the next time verbal diarrhea consumes me! ^^
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updates!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
firstly, another screencap...
am i the only one who happens to think that that looks insanely awesome? XD
sadly, it has become somewhat of a guilty pleasure of mine to cancel off each deadline after each submission. though i must admit i haven't been as on top of things as i should hv this far along in the trimester :(
i've been feeling like crap physically since the school-year started, and i blamed all my dizzy spells and feverish episodes on the fact that my body was literally rejecting the need to do work. my habit of doing things at the last minute probably didn't help ease the panic attacks much either ;p some lecturers were nice enough to grant me extensions with barely 24-hrs notice whenever these bouts of 'sickness' came around - most commonly whilst i was sitting in front of the computer attempting to finish my assignment on the morning of a deadline. but my last two papers required a legitimate mc from the dr's office should i need a few days extra. and since i'd never been one to head to the hospital without duress, i pulled anothing string of allnighters and cram sessions in an attempt to churn out a 750-word and 1500-word assignment due 2 days apart. added on to the fact that i'd only just gotten my 400o-word lit review draft sent to my supervisor the day or so before!
but like clockwork, another dizzy spell claimed me less than 12hrs before. and these moments of dizziness... they weren't like the usual ones someone gets after standing up too fast or after spending a day in the blazing sun. these spells didn't involve any actual dizziness. in those brief moments, i felt the blood drain from my head, a cold sweat consume my entire body, followed by insane nauseaseness before the inevitable "oh-my-god i'm going to faint" sensation. totally dramatic... totally attributable towards 'assignment stress' XD
but as i was creeping up on my fourth episode, mom was freaked and forced (see, i stayed true to my resolve even at this point!) me to head over to the clinic and get checked out. this suited me just fine since it would require me to miss the afternoon's seminar session in which the 750 was due. hahaha! so i drove over to the clinic on chapel street and had a sit-in with the doctor. it'd been 2 years since i saw the guy last, so it took him more than 10minutes updating my file in the system (and yes, they actually key things into the computer in front of you here) on all the ailments and drugs i've accumilated these past 24 mths.
evidently, i was just there for the mc (naughty, i admit). but i'd been nursing a cold since my bday 2 weeks before and wasn't entirely against getting that taken care off since: 1) writing my assignments would be sooo much easier without having snot issues, and 2) what kind of flu even lasts that long?! i told him about the dizzy spells as an add-on, more concerned over how to get rid of the cold. but after taking down my history, and a quick stethescope to the chest and back - he'd ruled that my cold was a small infection that would heal in no time with antibiotics. he was more concerned with the dizziness... right.
i guess what i've been trying to get to is that, university students don't take enough care of themselves. there i was, blaming every ailment, every warning sign on the fact that i had a pile of assignments and commitments due - whilst simultaneously putting myself at a greater risk than i even thought possible! turns out i might have been hypoglycemic the entire time! O_O
yeah i had to google that too ^^ but in simple english it basically means that my IR-laden, lazy-ass somehow managed to neglect comsuming enough sugar. i had a pretty good laugh in the dr's office when i heard that, since everyone i know could tell you that i consume so much sugar on a daily basis that my blood probably tastes like treacle! but i'd been skimping on meals (as i always do during assignment/exam season) but taking regular doses of glucophage as prescribed. here's the equation the doctor gave me:
the lack of sugar coming from my missed meal times + the glucophage already working to cut the levels of sugar in my system + the cortisol released by the body in times of stress burning more sugar from the body + my IR-ness causing ineffective insulin, requiring my body to work harder than most to burn glucose = i was spent.
it's been about a week and i'm glad to say the cold is gone ;) i've fought the urge to run away from all things sweet and actually downed bottles of juice whenever i knew food wouldn't be on the agenda for a couple more hours. a bad trade i know... but effective in terms of keeping the hypo episodes away. i promise to be more diligent when my assignments are done with... really! ;)
here's another bit of news that'll make up for my irresponsible behaviour:
i know. how does someone kinda pass the gamsat? well the exam is apparently not graded on a percentage system, so the numbers mean squat to me. all i know is that it's above what some of the uni's in australia are looking at in terms of admission scores. the 'kinda' bit comes in since i dipped 2 points below the curve on one section and won't know until the applications have gone through how badly that'll effect me. so for now, i 'kinda' passed. and i'm 'kinda' over the moon about it ;)
so there you go... a quick run down of the last couple of weeks. my bday party was awesome and maybe if i time permits i'll transfer a few photos from facebook over to this blog for everyone to see ^^ graduation was the day before and kinda cool too since they actually took the time to separate us out - so i walked on stage as the emcee declared "graduating with a bachelor of science, with distinction". i got copies from the professional photo session which i'll try and scan and upload as well (warning: i looked like a doe-eyed pillbury doughboy in a dark blue robe XD). hahaha!
i also had an interesting afternoon today. after almost 3 years of complete absence, my buddy joel has resurfaced! (and no i didn't mean to make him sound like a submarine ;p). reminiscing does make people sentimental, so joe decided it was about time we caught up after a session of 'trinity photo oogling' a few days before. me, joe and jacq had coffee on degraves lane today... and it was kinda awesome. so much has caused us to change over the last few years, and yet enough of our old selves remained for us to get along and talk incessantly for 3 hours ;) though i must say it was kind of embarassing to realise that despite being the eldest one there, i had absolutely NOTHING to contribute when they talked about their exes. sigh... hahah!
till next time! bighugs!
am i the only one who happens to think that that looks insanely awesome? XDsadly, it has become somewhat of a guilty pleasure of mine to cancel off each deadline after each submission. though i must admit i haven't been as on top of things as i should hv this far along in the trimester :(
i've been feeling like crap physically since the school-year started, and i blamed all my dizzy spells and feverish episodes on the fact that my body was literally rejecting the need to do work. my habit of doing things at the last minute probably didn't help ease the panic attacks much either ;p some lecturers were nice enough to grant me extensions with barely 24-hrs notice whenever these bouts of 'sickness' came around - most commonly whilst i was sitting in front of the computer attempting to finish my assignment on the morning of a deadline. but my last two papers required a legitimate mc from the dr's office should i need a few days extra. and since i'd never been one to head to the hospital without duress, i pulled anothing string of allnighters and cram sessions in an attempt to churn out a 750-word and 1500-word assignment due 2 days apart. added on to the fact that i'd only just gotten my 400o-word lit review draft sent to my supervisor the day or so before!
but like clockwork, another dizzy spell claimed me less than 12hrs before. and these moments of dizziness... they weren't like the usual ones someone gets after standing up too fast or after spending a day in the blazing sun. these spells didn't involve any actual dizziness. in those brief moments, i felt the blood drain from my head, a cold sweat consume my entire body, followed by insane nauseaseness before the inevitable "oh-my-god i'm going to faint" sensation. totally dramatic... totally attributable towards 'assignment stress' XD
but as i was creeping up on my fourth episode, mom was freaked and forced (see, i stayed true to my resolve even at this point!) me to head over to the clinic and get checked out. this suited me just fine since it would require me to miss the afternoon's seminar session in which the 750 was due. hahaha! so i drove over to the clinic on chapel street and had a sit-in with the doctor. it'd been 2 years since i saw the guy last, so it took him more than 10minutes updating my file in the system (and yes, they actually key things into the computer in front of you here) on all the ailments and drugs i've accumilated these past 24 mths.
evidently, i was just there for the mc (naughty, i admit). but i'd been nursing a cold since my bday 2 weeks before and wasn't entirely against getting that taken care off since: 1) writing my assignments would be sooo much easier without having snot issues, and 2) what kind of flu even lasts that long?! i told him about the dizzy spells as an add-on, more concerned over how to get rid of the cold. but after taking down my history, and a quick stethescope to the chest and back - he'd ruled that my cold was a small infection that would heal in no time with antibiotics. he was more concerned with the dizziness... right.
i guess what i've been trying to get to is that, university students don't take enough care of themselves. there i was, blaming every ailment, every warning sign on the fact that i had a pile of assignments and commitments due - whilst simultaneously putting myself at a greater risk than i even thought possible! turns out i might have been hypoglycemic the entire time! O_O
yeah i had to google that too ^^ but in simple english it basically means that my IR-laden, lazy-ass somehow managed to neglect comsuming enough sugar. i had a pretty good laugh in the dr's office when i heard that, since everyone i know could tell you that i consume so much sugar on a daily basis that my blood probably tastes like treacle! but i'd been skimping on meals (as i always do during assignment/exam season) but taking regular doses of glucophage as prescribed. here's the equation the doctor gave me:
the lack of sugar coming from my missed meal times + the glucophage already working to cut the levels of sugar in my system + the cortisol released by the body in times of stress burning more sugar from the body + my IR-ness causing ineffective insulin, requiring my body to work harder than most to burn glucose = i was spent.
it's been about a week and i'm glad to say the cold is gone ;) i've fought the urge to run away from all things sweet and actually downed bottles of juice whenever i knew food wouldn't be on the agenda for a couple more hours. a bad trade i know... but effective in terms of keeping the hypo episodes away. i promise to be more diligent when my assignments are done with... really! ;)
here's another bit of news that'll make up for my irresponsible behaviour:
i kinda passed the GAMSAT!
i know. how does someone kinda pass the gamsat? well the exam is apparently not graded on a percentage system, so the numbers mean squat to me. all i know is that it's above what some of the uni's in australia are looking at in terms of admission scores. the 'kinda' bit comes in since i dipped 2 points below the curve on one section and won't know until the applications have gone through how badly that'll effect me. so for now, i 'kinda' passed. and i'm 'kinda' over the moon about it ;)
so there you go... a quick run down of the last couple of weeks. my bday party was awesome and maybe if i time permits i'll transfer a few photos from facebook over to this blog for everyone to see ^^ graduation was the day before and kinda cool too since they actually took the time to separate us out - so i walked on stage as the emcee declared "graduating with a bachelor of science, with distinction". i got copies from the professional photo session which i'll try and scan and upload as well (warning: i looked like a doe-eyed pillbury doughboy in a dark blue robe XD). hahaha!
i also had an interesting afternoon today. after almost 3 years of complete absence, my buddy joel has resurfaced! (and no i didn't mean to make him sound like a submarine ;p). reminiscing does make people sentimental, so joe decided it was about time we caught up after a session of 'trinity photo oogling' a few days before. me, joe and jacq had coffee on degraves lane today... and it was kinda awesome. so much has caused us to change over the last few years, and yet enough of our old selves remained for us to get along and talk incessantly for 3 hours ;) though i must say it was kind of embarassing to realise that despite being the eldest one there, i had absolutely NOTHING to contribute when they talked about their exes. sigh... hahah!
till next time! bighugs!
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1 Comments:
u kinda passed gamsat! wheeeeee! congratulations!! *big hugs*
a present for the times ;)
Thursday, May 06, 2010
as i write, i think of beginnings.
of funny classes, freshie friends, candles lighting the night skies.
as i write, i think of then.
of thick and thin, of pulling through, of keeping going until the end.
as i write, i think of just.
of contact kept, of drives with friends, of effort and deserved success.
as i write, i think of now.
where Jacq is screaming, bells a-ringing, and something burning on the stove.
of funny classes, freshie friends, candles lighting the night skies.
as i write, i think of then.
of thick and thin, of pulling through, of keeping going until the end.
as i write, i think of just.
of contact kept, of drives with friends, of effort and deserved success.
as i write, i think of now.
where Jacq is screaming, bells a-ringing, and something burning on the stove.
happy birthday, kat. and happy graduation.
yours humbly... modestly... and unassumingly...
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