a new day...
Monday, December 18, 2006
it's been 3 days since my last post...
and since then i've spent:
3 days crying
3 days panicking
3 days driving the boys insane with frantic phonecalls
BUT I'M ALL BETTER NOW! YAY!
i guess the hardest thing i had to come to terms with was the thought that i'd messed up enough to condemn my dream - studying medicine (be it through psych or directly) at melbourne university. worst of all, i had to watch as my friends, who over the past year have been through everything with me, walked through the gates without me. i had to come to terms with letting go of the ideal...
someone younger, but wiser than me, told me not too long ago that we needed to exist without ideals. that we needed to take life as it came and accept people and situations for what they were. and to me... i had this notion that if i didn't prove everyone wrong... and go to the best school and do the 'best' course... i would spend the rest of my life, and my family's life, regretting it. it was melbourne uni or bust! and not making the grade... meant that i'd disappointed ALOT more people than just myself. or worst of all... i'd proven everyone right.
so i cried lots till my eyes hurt so bad i walked around with them closed ;p the fact that mom was calling up all the ed agencies only made it worse... cause in the deep vestiges of my mind... it was like mom was working hard to clean up the catastrophe of my existence. that ultimately... i'd shown her i was unfit to be on my own. that i had to come home.
it's funny how, in the face of desperation, you are willing to compensate ANYTHING and sacrifice EVERYTHING in an effort to bring yourself an inch closer to your dreams. when i saw my results i was willing to take any course if it meant that i could go to melbourne uni. who cared if i knew what horticulture was all about?!
so yeah... on saturday i was basically running myself into the ground and i needed to get out of the house... FAST! so i speed-dialled my buddy mark (sorry if i wasridiculously indecipherable through the tears, mark :() and convinced him that i needed to bail. so while he worked on getting a car for the day, i followed ridwan to the monash uni kl campus for their annual open day. walked around for a little while talking to the respective faculty advisors. ultimately, the monash visit did loads for my confidence... when getting my results, i was certain that it was all over... that i no longer had any options. but thankfully, i make the grade at monash (even for the melbourne campus!) and the advisors were really welcoming and hopeful, which got me smiling and hyper ;D
on my way to meet a psychology lecturer from the melbourne caufield campus, i heard a REALLY loud "YANA!" by someone close by. before i had enough time to react, i see jacqui running towards me... fists outstretched ;p in the midst of punching me and asking me why i didn't tell her i was back (ignore the fact i'd only gotten back the night before!), i got one of her great big hugs that i missed so much ;p by the end of the session, mark had called back with a car and i was to meet him at bangsar for an emergency cheering-up intervention ;p
for the first time in ages, i found bsc's jockey parking booked full! reluctantly i had to go into underground parking and circled for almost 30 mins before finding a corner to park my matrix. mark hadn't called so i ran up to the bookstore to kill time (reading the mags reminds me of you, jacq-jacq! i'm gonna miss our borders' stops ;p). after 10 minutes of reading, i noticed a pair of feet walk up to me and stop. apparently, us psychos think alike ;p
headed to coffee bean to eat... but the chocolate ice blended looked too tempting to ignore. so... despite mark's protest, i decided to forgo lunch and console myself. though he got some chocolate too, mark and i argued about the 'validity' of chocolate. apparently it's not a food group! absurd ain't it ;p but soon my tummy begged for mercy and we hopped from coffee bean to delifrance and hung out till close to dinner time, talking about everything from personal attachments to star wars books. you know mark, you may think that saturday was just filled with random disagreements and pointless ramblings, but it's days like that and moments like those and friends like you that make life's obstacles justa little more bearable... thanks for cheering me up mark ;)
so with a new resolve, i'm applying EVERYWHERE! who cares if melbourne uni won't take me?! i'll find another uni that will! deakin's gotta a better psych program anyway! ;p (i sound really bitter don't i? but it's the truth! maureen and ian both did their PhDs there!) and about my friends... i'll always have them. i'll always remember the great year we had together... and i'll always miss having them around every corner. i'll always miss having lunch with my boys, and having jacq-jacq knock on my door rushing me to class. but next year is going to be great ;D
trust me ;)
and since then i've spent:
3 days crying
3 days panicking
3 days driving the boys insane with frantic phonecalls
BUT I'M ALL BETTER NOW! YAY!
i guess the hardest thing i had to come to terms with was the thought that i'd messed up enough to condemn my dream - studying medicine (be it through psych or directly) at melbourne university. worst of all, i had to watch as my friends, who over the past year have been through everything with me, walked through the gates without me. i had to come to terms with letting go of the ideal...
someone younger, but wiser than me, told me not too long ago that we needed to exist without ideals. that we needed to take life as it came and accept people and situations for what they were. and to me... i had this notion that if i didn't prove everyone wrong... and go to the best school and do the 'best' course... i would spend the rest of my life, and my family's life, regretting it. it was melbourne uni or bust! and not making the grade... meant that i'd disappointed ALOT more people than just myself. or worst of all... i'd proven everyone right.
so i cried lots till my eyes hurt so bad i walked around with them closed ;p the fact that mom was calling up all the ed agencies only made it worse... cause in the deep vestiges of my mind... it was like mom was working hard to clean up the catastrophe of my existence. that ultimately... i'd shown her i was unfit to be on my own. that i had to come home.
it's funny how, in the face of desperation, you are willing to compensate ANYTHING and sacrifice EVERYTHING in an effort to bring yourself an inch closer to your dreams. when i saw my results i was willing to take any course if it meant that i could go to melbourne uni. who cared if i knew what horticulture was all about?!
so yeah... on saturday i was basically running myself into the ground and i needed to get out of the house... FAST! so i speed-dialled my buddy mark (sorry if i was
on my way to meet a psychology lecturer from the melbourne caufield campus, i heard a REALLY loud "YANA!" by someone close by. before i had enough time to react, i see jacqui running towards me... fists outstretched ;p in the midst of punching me and asking me why i didn't tell her i was back (ignore the fact i'd only gotten back the night before!), i got one of her great big hugs that i missed so much ;p by the end of the session, mark had called back with a car and i was to meet him at bangsar for an emergency cheering-up intervention ;p
for the first time in ages, i found bsc's jockey parking booked full! reluctantly i had to go into underground parking and circled for almost 30 mins before finding a corner to park my matrix. mark hadn't called so i ran up to the bookstore to kill time (reading the mags reminds me of you, jacq-jacq! i'm gonna miss our borders' stops ;p). after 10 minutes of reading, i noticed a pair of feet walk up to me and stop. apparently, us psychos think alike ;p
headed to coffee bean to eat... but the chocolate ice blended looked too tempting to ignore. so... despite mark's protest, i decided to forgo lunch and console myself. though he got some chocolate too, mark and i argued about the 'validity' of chocolate. apparently it's not a food group! absurd ain't it ;p but soon my tummy begged for mercy and we hopped from coffee bean to delifrance and hung out till close to dinner time, talking about everything from personal attachments to star wars books. you know mark, you may think that saturday was just filled with random disagreements and pointless ramblings, but it's days like that and moments like those and friends like you that make life's obstacles just
so with a new resolve, i'm applying EVERYWHERE! who cares if melbourne uni won't take me?! i'll find another uni that will! deakin's gotta a better psych program anyway! ;p (i sound really bitter don't i? but it's the truth! maureen and ian both did their PhDs there!) and about my friends... i'll always have them. i'll always remember the great year we had together... and i'll always miss having them around every corner. i'll always miss having lunch with my boys, and having jacq-jacq knock on my door rushing me to class. but next year is going to be great ;D
trust me ;)
1 comments
1 Comments:
i'm glad :)
By 
, at
11:23 pm
saying goodbye
Friday, December 15, 2006
i know i promised a flood of posts and pics on my graduation and the new zealand trip... but i need to get this out of my head first...
got my final results today. i'm not going to repeat what i got... but just know that when i saw the grade online... all i could do was cry. i know that it's a REALLY childish reflex to have... but i just couldn't believe it. for a split second... all i had playing on loop in my head was "it's over. how could you LET it be over!" by the time the figure settled into my head, it was time for me to get out of my cousin's room and tell the family how i did. nothing broke my heart more than to see their expectant, smiling faces turn to despair. mom truly believed that melbourne uni was a done deal for me... to tell her that it was all over... something i NEVER wanted to have to do. EVER.
then the 'fixing it' moment started. people telling me i didn't do badly and that i could still get entrance anywhere i wanted. that i'd done my best. that it wasn't all that bad. i felt like i was suffocating in my own panic. i had truly messed it up this time... and i didn't know what to do.
instinctively i ran to the phone to wake joel and mark up (mind you it was 4am in kl). like as if it would provide me with some form of comfort, i told them to get up cause the results were out. though i made no attempt to hide the fact that i was crying my head off... the boys still managed in their moments of incoherence and unconsciousness, to cheer me up and tell me that everything was NOT YET over. mark said 'hug hug' for the first time ;)
here's a bold but true fact: my friends HAVE NOT replaced my family. but instead they've become part of it. over the last 10 months, i've experienced MANY firsts. alone. here's the thing you realise when you go away... and for all you people reading this who are still at home, within proximity of your family - the people that support you... be grateful for that! because when you go away.... when you become alone... TRULY without a support system... it is the scariest thing that you will ever experience in your entire life. in moments when you feel like your world is collapsing around you - be it because of school or relationships or friendships or all of the above - when you come home... to NO ONE... and yet still having to force yourself to get up and LIVE... let's just say not geting up at all, becomes the more favoured option.
but i made friends... who kept me going and pulled me up whenever i fell this year. in times when i really needed mom to be here, but she just couldn't be... mark, joel, kevin, jacq and ai-lynn were. so this morning, when i felt like as if i really had nowhere else to go... i needed to talk to them. my only regret is that till today, eventhough she doesn't say it, i know that mom thinks that i only turn to them for comfort. that only the voices of my 'boys' can put a smile back on my face. but nothing could be further from the truth! we went through loads this year... together... and there were multiple times when i cried in front of them to save my mom from the long distance worry and unwanted sadness. and as childish as this may seem... they see the emotional aspect of disappointments and DELAY the rational so that i can cry and feel better and DEAL. i'm sorry that mom had to see me run to them when i got sad. but i needed someone to hug me and tell me that everything was going to be okay... i still need that.
so yeah... my day could not have started worse. in the midst of everyone packing up for home right now, i'm blogging away in ridwan's room. whether it is to avoid or hide i am yet to figure out. but all i know is....
i really don't know what to do
i've messed things up so bad
i need to fix it
i need to fix my mistake
i need to get into melbourne university!
I AM NOT GOING HOME FOR GOOD
i am not saying goodbye to this place
i am not saying goodbye to my friends
i can't say goodbye...
got my final results today. i'm not going to repeat what i got... but just know that when i saw the grade online... all i could do was cry. i know that it's a REALLY childish reflex to have... but i just couldn't believe it. for a split second... all i had playing on loop in my head was "it's over. how could you LET it be over!" by the time the figure settled into my head, it was time for me to get out of my cousin's room and tell the family how i did. nothing broke my heart more than to see their expectant, smiling faces turn to despair. mom truly believed that melbourne uni was a done deal for me... to tell her that it was all over... something i NEVER wanted to have to do. EVER.
then the 'fixing it' moment started. people telling me i didn't do badly and that i could still get entrance anywhere i wanted. that i'd done my best. that it wasn't all that bad. i felt like i was suffocating in my own panic. i had truly messed it up this time... and i didn't know what to do.
instinctively i ran to the phone to wake joel and mark up (mind you it was 4am in kl). like as if it would provide me with some form of comfort, i told them to get up cause the results were out. though i made no attempt to hide the fact that i was crying my head off... the boys still managed in their moments of incoherence and unconsciousness, to cheer me up and tell me that everything was NOT YET over. mark said 'hug hug' for the first time ;)
here's a bold but true fact: my friends HAVE NOT replaced my family. but instead they've become part of it. over the last 10 months, i've experienced MANY firsts. alone. here's the thing you realise when you go away... and for all you people reading this who are still at home, within proximity of your family - the people that support you... be grateful for that! because when you go away.... when you become alone... TRULY without a support system... it is the scariest thing that you will ever experience in your entire life. in moments when you feel like your world is collapsing around you - be it because of school or relationships or friendships or all of the above - when you come home... to NO ONE... and yet still having to force yourself to get up and LIVE... let's just say not geting up at all, becomes the more favoured option.
but i made friends... who kept me going and pulled me up whenever i fell this year. in times when i really needed mom to be here, but she just couldn't be... mark, joel, kevin, jacq and ai-lynn were. so this morning, when i felt like as if i really had nowhere else to go... i needed to talk to them. my only regret is that till today, eventhough she doesn't say it, i know that mom thinks that i only turn to them for comfort. that only the voices of my 'boys' can put a smile back on my face. but nothing could be further from the truth! we went through loads this year... together... and there were multiple times when i cried in front of them to save my mom from the long distance worry and unwanted sadness. and as childish as this may seem... they see the emotional aspect of disappointments and DELAY the rational so that i can cry and feel better and DEAL. i'm sorry that mom had to see me run to them when i got sad. but i needed someone to hug me and tell me that everything was going to be okay... i still need that.
so yeah... my day could not have started worse. in the midst of everyone packing up for home right now, i'm blogging away in ridwan's room. whether it is to avoid or hide i am yet to figure out. but all i know is....
i really don't know what to do
i've messed things up so bad
i need to fix it
i need to fix my mistake
i need to get into melbourne university!
I AM NOT GOING HOME FOR GOOD
i am not saying goodbye to this place
i am not saying goodbye to my friends
i can't say goodbye...
0 comments
0 Comments:
soon people... soon...
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
hey guys! i bet most of you have been wondering whether i'm still alive... and i'm pleased to report that i still am ;D
in christchurch, new zealand right now at the airport motel, waiting for my flight back to melbourne tomorrow morning at 7am (5am melb time). been staying at blenheim for the past few days, where handphone network (and not to mention an internet connection!) is rather impossible to get (so if you've been sms-ing me or trying to call me... sorry!).
all i can say is... new zealand is by far the most beautiful place i've ever visited. from the snowy tops to the sprawling valleys... this place just took our breaths away upon arrival. though the 5 hour drive from christchurch to blenheim left us all restless and exhausted... but the pics i caught and the scenery i experienced was way worth it! so cammy... as i said... you are probably one of the luckiest girls on the planet to be able to study in this country! plus your 'view' is MUCH nicer than mine!!!! :D hehehehe.
pics and more detailed posts will be up the minute i get back to melbourne... they charge per minute here :(
see you guys at home soon!
in christchurch, new zealand right now at the airport motel, waiting for my flight back to melbourne tomorrow morning at 7am (5am melb time). been staying at blenheim for the past few days, where handphone network (and not to mention an internet connection!) is rather impossible to get (so if you've been sms-ing me or trying to call me... sorry!).
all i can say is... new zealand is by far the most beautiful place i've ever visited. from the snowy tops to the sprawling valleys... this place just took our breaths away upon arrival. though the 5 hour drive from christchurch to blenheim left us all restless and exhausted... but the pics i caught and the scenery i experienced was way worth it! so cammy... as i said... you are probably one of the luckiest girls on the planet to be able to study in this country! plus your 'view' is MUCH nicer than mine!!!! :D hehehehe.
pics and more detailed posts will be up the minute i get back to melbourne... they charge per minute here :(
see you guys at home soon!
1 comments
1 Comments:
It is pretty amazing huh? And I've never been to the south island just yet! Have to go one day.. away from the bustling Auckland city..hehe..glad it took your breath away..wonder what has been taking your breath away lately too.. cheeky I know..but yeah, can't wait to catch up with you and the gang back home!!!!!! WEE!!!!
