as you guys may have already been informed... a few of us were left with an unyeilding and unforgiving hangover this morning, courtesy of our night out yesterday. however, before i attempt to describe the random-ness that was jacqueline sim's 18th birthday dinner, i would like to reinforce for the safety and betterment of my fellow trouble-makers that there was NO ALCOHOL INVOLVED last night! not even in the food! ;D

have you ever wondered of the effects of time? of how a day, a week, a month or even a year has changed the person that you are?

now most of us would come to our own defenses and argue that time has done absolutely nothing to our personalities and views of life. how can it? we spend our entire lives investing in those attributes - what makes us who we are and our perceptions of how the world operates. a year, a month, a week and definitely NOT a day filled with emotionally altering events is going to change that.

allow me to be the first stubborn person to say that that is a whole load of bullshit ;)

people change. we may overestimate the time it takes or the reasons that cause people to change, but ultimately people DO change. but for the same reasons we never seem to notice ourselves putting on any weight, we don't realise that we've altered who we are because we see ourselves every single day!

before you start wondering what it was that sparked my current string of ramblings... know that there's a point to all this ;)

today, i decided to take a walk down memory lane and re-read all the posts from my old blog on friendster. for those of you looking for an interesting read, you should head down over there by clicking on the link i've set up. because the girl who wrote all those entries... is someone worth knowing. someone i truly miss.

not only was her grammar and style a lot more sophisticated than the incoherent scribblings you see on this page, but her writings were sincere and at most times significant. she wrote what she felt. she wrote about things that mattered to her. and even in moments of despair and worry, she was happy and genuinely hopeful. she was thankful for every blessing she'd received in life and didn't question them. and most of all... she was proud of who she was... even if others didn't feel the same.

demented and loving it was all about hope and discovery. from the first post that i added up the night after my senior prom, right down to the concluding entry about my departure from trinity's yearbook committee, it felt like my life had a silver lining adorning every dark cloud. it was about me leaving home for the first time and adjusting into my newfound life in melbourne. and it was also about me learning to accept the deeper connections i'd formed with my friends without apprehension and doubt. i was happy.

sabotaging fate seems to me as being just that. me trying to find a flaw in nature's design of my life and challenging it. a year has changed me so much! in ways that i am not necessarily proud of. i was once driven and confident, refusing to accept second best when it came to what i wanted to do academically. and eventhough i hovered in a realm of self-destruciton all the time should things not turn out the way it should... i fought back! i was stronger then...

looking back on who i was... i find myself rather concerned. like as if, eventhough i'm alot more comfortable in my own skin now, having taking life at a slower pace... it has come at the cost of an increase in insecurity and bitterness. my non-existent social/personal life never used to bother me, rather i relished in the individuality i possessed... but now i pride myself on being cynical and banish the idea of 'eventuallies' and 'happily ever afters'.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!

things have changed. i miss my friends more than they could possibly understand... i never thought it was possible to miss them this much with only a river separating us... but it's the truth. just under a year ago, i wrote a post about what i loved about my friends. now here's what i miss...

i miss laughing with joel. our late night conversations talking about the world and poking fun at anyone who thought any different ;) how we could just be completely silly around each other and not have any ideals or expectations of ourselves. i miss my big brother...

i miss clowing around with jacq-jacq. how i could always run down the hall and bang on her door so we could watch movies together and oogle at the cute actors. i miss not having an entire city separating us and different schools dividing us even further...

i miss talking to mark. just how the two of us could talk without the burden of the world hanging over us. without guilt or obligation, just him being his sarcastic self and me being the immature 5-year-old that i am ;) without needing a purpose for each call. i miss seeing him more than once a week...

i miss them being there...

i miss me being there...

so from demented and loving it to sabotaging fate i admit that i have changed. whether it's for the better or for the worse i don't think i'll ever know for certain. but what i do know is that it was inevitable. life forced me to grow up and change a few wires along the way. i'm not proud of some of the decisions i've made or the reactions i adopted in dealing with them, but i am glad to say i'm trying. i'm definitely not the 17-year-old girl on her way to medicine at melbourne uni anymore, but i'm the almost-19-year-old girl studying psychology at deakin... but working her ass off to be the 19-year-old medical student at melbourne uni ;)

for my friends... all i can say is that i miss you guys... so much every day. but i'm okay ;) or atleast i will be... ;D

the one thing that one year in melbourne hasn't taken away from me... i miss home! i miss my hugs from mom and hafiz and i miss my cats ;) i miss how life felt so safe and certain back in hectic kl... but that's the best part about family. you'll never lose them... no matter how hard you try ;D

so for those of you looking to take a stroll through your past, be warned! time is a tricky thing. but regardless of whether you like or hate what you see, just know that the fact we're all still standing in this crazy world...

... is an amazing feat all on its own... ;)

my day could not have possibly started any better ;)

instead of the dreadful 6am, no sun outside, freezing cold melbourne morning that i've gotten used to on fridays, i woke up today at 9am (though officially it was more 9.30 ;p) to light actually streaming in through my window. chapel street was wet with the morning rain and miraculously there wasn't a trace of the usual harsh wind. chemistry pracs run every two weeks at deakin, as it did in trinity. so today i was faced with a MUCH later morning start and only one lecture to take up my time.

so as i fell out of bed (yes... fell...) and walked into my living room, i was greeted with the most amazing sound...

speed. unrestricted and unaltered. the almost euphoric sound of v8 engines tearing up a 12-month untouched tarmac at albert park. the sound of the australian f1 grand prix qualifying session ;) and i could hear ALL of it from my balcony!

for those of you who have never been blessed by melbourne in march, just know, it is definitely something you'd want to put on your list of things to do in life. it's like at every 3rd month into every new year, something unexplainable happens. almost like magic ;) back to back, the tourism industry is exploited as melbourne is prepared for the f1, australian open and swimming championships all at the same time. and although some may argue that all this excitement is taking a toll on the melbourne population, it's definitely a sight to see! the city comes alive and the air is numbed with the greatest sounds and even smells...

i was due to meet my mentor this morning for the first time (and it was cancelled too! told you i had a great day ;p). but as i got off the tram i was pulled into the magic as the smell of eucalyptus filled the air. i mean come on... eucalyptus! the things koala bears eat. granted, deakin is in such a remote part of victoria that eucalyptus trees are actually allowed to grow there. but seriously, even for those of you who've been in melbourne a while and have crossed paths with these trees, have you ever actually been engulfed by it? the distinct smell just overpowering the smell of rain or anything else funky around you... everytime i catch a whiff of that smell one place comes to mind. kohunu koala park. mom used to take me and hafiz to that park every time we visited perth. before long we'd memorized the track and which native animals we'd be seeing next. but the koala's were always the best. usually so high up in the trees, koalas are actually scared of being on the ground. so only the older kids of a certain height would be allowed to handle them. the first time i went, i was too little. the next time too. but the last time i went, i was tall enough and now it was hafiz waiting down on the ground. it was like the koala cages were a benchmark for us. of how much we'd grown, and how much more growing we had to do. but regardless of age and height, the smell of eucalyptus, was something that everyone took back with them ;)

i know i probably sound like someone high on those eucalyptus leaves, but it's the truth. it's amazing how one great day can make you evaluate all the great days you've had in your life. re-live them and re-enjoy them. i came home to a sink pilled with dishes and a spent 2 hour commute only to attend a one hour lecutre, but who cared?! max was jumping about and the qualifying session was still running. all i had to do was lay back on the couch... watch max chase her own tail... and hear the cars hum from one gear to the next ;)

the simple pleasures in life...

after more than a month of evading the topic of my blog... i've finally figured out what it is that's been gnawing at me about releasing a new post... i didn't want to put aside the previous entry with all the pics in it! ;p it looked so home-y opening up my sadly un-updated blog to find a barrage of colourful pictures staring unblinkingly back.

but hey... a month is WAY too long ;)

so to answer the burning question in everyone's minds... yes i am indeed still alive ;) the past weeks have been tough and i often found myself wrought with uncertainty and loss, experiencing emotions i was spared of last year in the company of my instant friends. but as i said... it's been a month. i've been made to uproot and move COMPLETELY out of my comfort zone, and said a fair share of goodbyes along the way.

i've moved to chapel street to a one bedroom apartment with LOTS more space. and to fill up that space, mom got me a kitten! a tortishell little rascal by the name of max who spends most of her days terrorizing scruffy and making mine just that much brighter ;)

and against all expectation... i'm doing great ;D

deakin was alot to get used to. standing 3 times smaller than my old campus in melbourne uni, getting used to the fact that i could walk the perimetre in under 15 minutes was already something that concerned me. as with most unis in australia, deakin came with their own foundation progam... so all the international kids i hoped to hang with on the days of orientation were already grouped in separate corners. ultimately, my first week was miserable to say the least! i had gone from having 3 lunch buddies everyday to eating lunch in the internet cafe on my own. what once was the anticipation of going into lectures knowing i'd be saved a seat by my friends no matter how late i turned up was now something i couldn't admit to. if i made it any later than 5 minutes early to a lecture, i'd be on the floor... on my own. the instability of being a BSc student, possessing one major, one minor and electives from multiple faculties left me in complete lalang mode, changing classes and classmates on an hourly basis. so yeah... my first week sucked.

you can imagine my elation when the-powers-that-be in melbourne uni told me that they may be opening their doors for a mid-year intake should i make the grade and still be interested. my response: HELL YEAH! the painful nightmare that was deakin in week 1 could have just been shortened to a bad 4-month dream, rewarded with a one-way ticket back 'home'. back to accompanied lunches and knowing exactly where i was going on campus without the risk of walking into a drain or pole somewhere (though some argue i do it anyway...). but best of all... i would be coming back to my friends. the 5 amazing souls that held my hand throughout the whole of last year... a thought that on its own rid me of every insecurity and fear about the coming months.

but as i biasedly contemplated this presented option, something occured to me. what was i really planning on busting my ass off for? was this motivation to get back into melbourne uni by july motivated by the academic aspect of it all... or was it something else? truth be told, deakin felt great. the lectures were slower and everyone was alot more laid back. and in its own little way, the campus was beautiful. yet everyday as i sat in the hr commute that takes me from home to burwood, i couldn't help but feel like i was walking into a place i didn't belong. it wasn't 'home'. and the thought of surviving it for another year petrified me. so what was it?!

duh! what else?! ignore the fact that everyone was already in different faculties, i needed to get back to melbourne uni because my friends were there. cause by going back in july, i'd be restoring the balance. no more running around trying to put everyone together, trying to preserve what once was an amazing arrangement. to put my melbourne family back together. see i always felt it was my responsibility because i was the one 'smart' enough to get booted to the freaking furthest corner of the earth. but over the last few days i've realised something else.

time and distance have taken its toll. my friends are hanging on to each other by a thread. and it has nothing to do with the fact that they aren't trying, because they are! i can even say their jobs have been made more difficult, being in the same university but just NOT able to be together. and yet here i am, jumping around like a freaking energizer bunny trying to ignore the gap and fall back in there. what once were the 6 kids from eap 3v that did everything together and killed each other's phonebills with 2 hour phonecalls each day... is still there. just not THERE. everyone is doing their best trying to swallow their new environments and courses that expecting things to be as they were was a foolish notion from the get-go.

but then what was i expected to do?! i went to class everyday waiting for the day to end so i could run home and call my friends. i'd make the trip to the city every chance i got so i could be near them and not give them an excuse to carry on without me. i was clinging on to the hope...

the reality of what we are now hit me hard. working my ass off to get back into melbourne uni by july may very well be a stupid idea. because at the end of the day, i'd be risking a much better education here at deakin... for the chance to be with my 'family', which was slowly but surely disintegrating.

so as i pondered and cried over my darkened future, i found something great. someone great.

mark tan.

my preoccupation with holding all SIX of us together forced me to overlook the one person in front of me. since recovering from the messed-up-ness that was the last 6 months, i naturally gravitated towards mark for salvation. somehow i kind of expected him to keep me at a distance, pacify me but not comfort me. mark always believed it was safer to keep people out because it saved yourself from letting any of the pain in. and to an extent i couldn'tve agreed with him more. but in those moments of loss, when i really needed someone to let me know that everything was going to be okay. that despite everything, there was going to be someone waiting for me when i got home if i needed them. mark surpassed what anyone and everyone would've expected of him and has been THAT person for me ;) (and before you start protesting mark... thanks ;) i couldn'tve survived these past weeks without you and know that i truly believe you'll be amazing at what you do and that the world will be lucky to know you ;) and i promise... no more clinging!)

granted we're both having a tough time adjusting to school and the absence of close friends in our daily routine, so we've both somewhat depended on each other to make up the difference. to know that we can both come home to someone dying to vent about their individual days is something i am truly grateful for. and mark made me realise something else... coming back to melbourne uni should be MY choice. he, along with ai-lynn, jacq, kevin and even joel in rmit will always be there waiting for me, but when i come back should and will be something i decide for ME.

so to ai-lynn, jacqueline, joel and kevin, thanks for making this transition as smooth as possible for me despite your own problems ;) to ai-lynn and jacq, i know medical school feels impossible right now, but just know that if anyone can hack it it's the two of you! to my poor sleep-deprived buddy joel, i wish i could stop time and give you more than an hour's sleep each night, but you're made for architecture joe... and you're gonna be great at it! to try and console kevin would be pointless cause he's brilliant... but for what it's worth... the drawing will get easier and you'll be better than fine, trust me ;p

that having been said... how am i doing at deakin university?

i'm doing amazing ;) i'm loving the campus more and more with each passing day and i've made a bunch of friends i can sit and chat with in lectures and tutorials. who knew my problem with making friends in the beginning was cause i didn't talk to the local kids ;p best part is, i'm who i WANT to be here. no one knows where i'm from or what i'm like academically. no one knows of my breakdown last year. no one knows of the crappy decisions i've made along the way. no one know ANYTHING! i'm just kat... the BSc psychology major trying to find her place in the world.

and i'm happier than i ever thought possible ;)

katyana azman
1 may 1988

i'm different... and it doesn't bother me one bit...

writing till the hours blur.
REALLY nice cars.
consuming as much dark chocolate as humanly possible.
listening and singing to songs till i know every word by heart.

being with the family and friends that make me happy.

jacqueline sim
joel lee
jacqui kong
camelia soo
samantha sim
syafiq azman

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