leaving behind who i was. for who i am. and who i'm about to be.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
for my intoductory entry i write from where it all began... BACK IN KL! woohoo!
so yeah... back home for the holidays and i must say... lots have come into perspective for me within the past 10 days. my kick-in-the-a** moment happened yesterday evening, as i struggled to make it to 7pm having not consumed food or water since 5.30am (yes people, puasa is back... and me - sugar = cranky... so be warned!). for the first time since i left for melbourne, i turned on my desktop computer! what once was my lifeline had been sitting in my room untouched (if u ignore my cousins' wonderfully caring act of STEALING MY SPEAKERS A WEEK AFTER I LEFT!)... anyway moving on... i turned it on yesterday and i scrolled through all the crap i used to devote time to. specifically the story i began in form 2, but never completed. 167 pages in a pink floppy disk covered in dust by my mousepad. i used to spend hours rooted to my computer typing down the fictional story so complex i had to re-read the beginning to figure out how to approach the end! but as i went through it... something occured to me... i wasn't the author anymore...
writing has always given me the sense of salvation i needed. it was like as if, by making my characters suffer my problems instead of me, they would just disappear. then by ceasing to exist, my family was reassured. and mom didn't have to worry anymore. then... *jeng jeng jeng* PMR and SPM arrived! and i stopped.
now at 18, i remain a reader to my own work. i've changed so much within the past 7 months, it's no longer funny. when people previously accused me of it, i denied it almost defensively. but in truth... i did. alot. i was so comfortable with who i was, i was afraid that if i had changed, i would end up being one of THEM. the kid that made fun of kids like me.
in january 2006, i was a girl who saw nothing beyond trinity. that for the next 7 years, i was to dedicate my undivided attention to nothing but getting into, and ultimately graduating medical school. i saw no prospect of a personal life, and regarded friends as a CONSTANTLY changing trend. and God... the worst part of it all... i was the kind of girl that got all excited and waited patiently everyday (or week.. or month... whatever it took) for her ONLY guy friend to call her or come and see her. basically... i was the kind of girl who begged for difference and attention.
it's almost october... and i can't say that i'm more confident than before (i still have a few insecurites... but who doesn't?!), but i have changed. getting into medical school is proving harder than i thought... but i'm getting in... eventually ;p as for the friends... i've made 5 that have taught me so much and showed me what i've been truly missing. they in no way replace the one's i've made here, but they matter to me nonetheless. joel, mark and kevin are my 3 'irreplace-ables' ;p (and yeah... i have guy friends now!) joel makes me laugh so bad and spends everyday making so much effort to make me feel safe - mark has always been there for me... unconditionally, regardless of day or hour, to let me know i'm not alone - and kevin is the big brother i never had... always the first one to know if something's wrong and DO something about it. the girls, ai-lynn and jacq, are my little sisters. always there for the imminent girly-moments and reminding me on what is really important. and although i know that uni will split us apart, i know that this friendship isn't fleeting. i'll have friends... past this...
and the best part of it all... life looks different now. i still value the same things as before, but i'm not strung up about it anymore. all i can say is... bring it! i've got all i need...
so yeah... back home for the holidays and i must say... lots have come into perspective for me within the past 10 days. my kick-in-the-a** moment happened yesterday evening, as i struggled to make it to 7pm having not consumed food or water since 5.30am (yes people, puasa is back... and me - sugar = cranky... so be warned!). for the first time since i left for melbourne, i turned on my desktop computer! what once was my lifeline had been sitting in my room untouched (if u ignore my cousins' wonderfully caring act of STEALING MY SPEAKERS A WEEK AFTER I LEFT!)... anyway moving on... i turned it on yesterday and i scrolled through all the crap i used to devote time to. specifically the story i began in form 2, but never completed. 167 pages in a pink floppy disk covered in dust by my mousepad. i used to spend hours rooted to my computer typing down the fictional story so complex i had to re-read the beginning to figure out how to approach the end! but as i went through it... something occured to me... i wasn't the author anymore...
writing has always given me the sense of salvation i needed. it was like as if, by making my characters suffer my problems instead of me, they would just disappear. then by ceasing to exist, my family was reassured. and mom didn't have to worry anymore. then... *jeng jeng jeng* PMR and SPM arrived! and i stopped.
now at 18, i remain a reader to my own work. i've changed so much within the past 7 months, it's no longer funny. when people previously accused me of it, i denied it almost defensively. but in truth... i did. alot. i was so comfortable with who i was, i was afraid that if i had changed, i would end up being one of THEM. the kid that made fun of kids like me.
in january 2006, i was a girl who saw nothing beyond trinity. that for the next 7 years, i was to dedicate my undivided attention to nothing but getting into, and ultimately graduating medical school. i saw no prospect of a personal life, and regarded friends as a CONSTANTLY changing trend. and God... the worst part of it all... i was the kind of girl that got all excited and waited patiently everyday (or week.. or month... whatever it took) for her ONLY guy friend to call her or come and see her. basically... i was the kind of girl who begged for difference and attention.
it's almost october... and i can't say that i'm more confident than before (i still have a few insecurites... but who doesn't?!), but i have changed. getting into medical school is proving harder than i thought... but i'm getting in... eventually ;p as for the friends... i've made 5 that have taught me so much and showed me what i've been truly missing. they in no way replace the one's i've made here, but they matter to me nonetheless. joel, mark and kevin are my 3 'irreplace-ables' ;p (and yeah... i have guy friends now!) joel makes me laugh so bad and spends everyday making so much effort to make me feel safe - mark has always been there for me... unconditionally, regardless of day or hour, to let me know i'm not alone - and kevin is the big brother i never had... always the first one to know if something's wrong and DO something about it. the girls, ai-lynn and jacq, are my little sisters. always there for the imminent girly-moments and reminding me on what is really important. and although i know that uni will split us apart, i know that this friendship isn't fleeting. i'll have friends... past this...
and the best part of it all... life looks different now. i still value the same things as before, but i'm not strung up about it anymore. all i can say is... bring it! i've got all i need...
2 comments
2 Comments:
i make you laugh?
is that it?
no sappy wappy comments?
haha..nah
im happy :D
glad to be a friend
thanx for being one too ;)
kat to joel: yeah you make me laugh! and no that's not it... figured my first post was too early for all the sappy wappy comments ;p cakap banyak! where's all the sappy wappy comments abt me on your blog?! and didn't u read the second part... u make me feel safe... which is alot!
