a new day...
Monday, December 18, 2006
it's been 3 days since my last post...
and since then i've spent:
3 days crying
3 days panicking
3 days driving the boys insane with frantic phonecalls
BUT I'M ALL BETTER NOW! YAY!
i guess the hardest thing i had to come to terms with was the thought that i'd messed up enough to condemn my dream - studying medicine (be it through psych or directly) at melbourne university. worst of all, i had to watch as my friends, who over the past year have been through everything with me, walked through the gates without me. i had to come to terms with letting go of the ideal...
someone younger, but wiser than me, told me not too long ago that we needed to exist without ideals. that we needed to take life as it came and accept people and situations for what they were. and to me... i had this notion that if i didn't prove everyone wrong... and go to the best school and do the 'best' course... i would spend the rest of my life, and my family's life, regretting it. it was melbourne uni or bust! and not making the grade... meant that i'd disappointed ALOT more people than just myself. or worst of all... i'd proven everyone right.
so i cried lots till my eyes hurt so bad i walked around with them closed ;p the fact that mom was calling up all the ed agencies only made it worse... cause in the deep vestiges of my mind... it was like mom was working hard to clean up the catastrophe of my existence. that ultimately... i'd shown her i was unfit to be on my own. that i had to come home.
it's funny how, in the face of desperation, you are willing to compensate ANYTHING and sacrifice EVERYTHING in an effort to bring yourself an inch closer to your dreams. when i saw my results i was willing to take any course if it meant that i could go to melbourne uni. who cared if i knew what horticulture was all about?!
so yeah... on saturday i was basically running myself into the ground and i needed to get out of the house... FAST! so i speed-dialled my buddy mark (sorry if i wasridiculously indecipherable through the tears, mark :() and convinced him that i needed to bail. so while he worked on getting a car for the day, i followed ridwan to the monash uni kl campus for their annual open day. walked around for a little while talking to the respective faculty advisors. ultimately, the monash visit did loads for my confidence... when getting my results, i was certain that it was all over... that i no longer had any options. but thankfully, i make the grade at monash (even for the melbourne campus!) and the advisors were really welcoming and hopeful, which got me smiling and hyper ;D
on my way to meet a psychology lecturer from the melbourne caufield campus, i heard a REALLY loud "YANA!" by someone close by. before i had enough time to react, i see jacqui running towards me... fists outstretched ;p in the midst of punching me and asking me why i didn't tell her i was back (ignore the fact i'd only gotten back the night before!), i got one of her great big hugs that i missed so much ;p by the end of the session, mark had called back with a car and i was to meet him at bangsar for an emergency cheering-up intervention ;p
for the first time in ages, i found bsc's jockey parking booked full! reluctantly i had to go into underground parking and circled for almost 30 mins before finding a corner to park my matrix. mark hadn't called so i ran up to the bookstore to kill time (reading the mags reminds me of you, jacq-jacq! i'm gonna miss our borders' stops ;p). after 10 minutes of reading, i noticed a pair of feet walk up to me and stop. apparently, us psychos think alike ;p
headed to coffee bean to eat... but the chocolate ice blended looked too tempting to ignore. so... despite mark's protest, i decided to forgo lunch and console myself. though he got some chocolate too, mark and i argued about the 'validity' of chocolate. apparently it's not a food group! absurd ain't it ;p but soon my tummy begged for mercy and we hopped from coffee bean to delifrance and hung out till close to dinner time, talking about everything from personal attachments to star wars books. you know mark, you may think that saturday was just filled with random disagreements and pointless ramblings, but it's days like that and moments like those and friends like you that make life's obstacles justa little more bearable... thanks for cheering me up mark ;)
so with a new resolve, i'm applying EVERYWHERE! who cares if melbourne uni won't take me?! i'll find another uni that will! deakin's gotta a better psych program anyway! ;p (i sound really bitter don't i? but it's the truth! maureen and ian both did their PhDs there!) and about my friends... i'll always have them. i'll always remember the great year we had together... and i'll always miss having them around every corner. i'll always miss having lunch with my boys, and having jacq-jacq knock on my door rushing me to class. but next year is going to be great ;D
trust me ;)
and since then i've spent:
3 days crying
3 days panicking
3 days driving the boys insane with frantic phonecalls
BUT I'M ALL BETTER NOW! YAY!
i guess the hardest thing i had to come to terms with was the thought that i'd messed up enough to condemn my dream - studying medicine (be it through psych or directly) at melbourne university. worst of all, i had to watch as my friends, who over the past year have been through everything with me, walked through the gates without me. i had to come to terms with letting go of the ideal...
someone younger, but wiser than me, told me not too long ago that we needed to exist without ideals. that we needed to take life as it came and accept people and situations for what they were. and to me... i had this notion that if i didn't prove everyone wrong... and go to the best school and do the 'best' course... i would spend the rest of my life, and my family's life, regretting it. it was melbourne uni or bust! and not making the grade... meant that i'd disappointed ALOT more people than just myself. or worst of all... i'd proven everyone right.
so i cried lots till my eyes hurt so bad i walked around with them closed ;p the fact that mom was calling up all the ed agencies only made it worse... cause in the deep vestiges of my mind... it was like mom was working hard to clean up the catastrophe of my existence. that ultimately... i'd shown her i was unfit to be on my own. that i had to come home.
it's funny how, in the face of desperation, you are willing to compensate ANYTHING and sacrifice EVERYTHING in an effort to bring yourself an inch closer to your dreams. when i saw my results i was willing to take any course if it meant that i could go to melbourne uni. who cared if i knew what horticulture was all about?!
so yeah... on saturday i was basically running myself into the ground and i needed to get out of the house... FAST! so i speed-dialled my buddy mark (sorry if i was
on my way to meet a psychology lecturer from the melbourne caufield campus, i heard a REALLY loud "YANA!" by someone close by. before i had enough time to react, i see jacqui running towards me... fists outstretched ;p in the midst of punching me and asking me why i didn't tell her i was back (ignore the fact i'd only gotten back the night before!), i got one of her great big hugs that i missed so much ;p by the end of the session, mark had called back with a car and i was to meet him at bangsar for an emergency cheering-up intervention ;p
for the first time in ages, i found bsc's jockey parking booked full! reluctantly i had to go into underground parking and circled for almost 30 mins before finding a corner to park my matrix. mark hadn't called so i ran up to the bookstore to kill time (reading the mags reminds me of you, jacq-jacq! i'm gonna miss our borders' stops ;p). after 10 minutes of reading, i noticed a pair of feet walk up to me and stop. apparently, us psychos think alike ;p
headed to coffee bean to eat... but the chocolate ice blended looked too tempting to ignore. so... despite mark's protest, i decided to forgo lunch and console myself. though he got some chocolate too, mark and i argued about the 'validity' of chocolate. apparently it's not a food group! absurd ain't it ;p but soon my tummy begged for mercy and we hopped from coffee bean to delifrance and hung out till close to dinner time, talking about everything from personal attachments to star wars books. you know mark, you may think that saturday was just filled with random disagreements and pointless ramblings, but it's days like that and moments like those and friends like you that make life's obstacles just
so with a new resolve, i'm applying EVERYWHERE! who cares if melbourne uni won't take me?! i'll find another uni that will! deakin's gotta a better psych program anyway! ;p (i sound really bitter don't i? but it's the truth! maureen and ian both did their PhDs there!) and about my friends... i'll always have them. i'll always remember the great year we had together... and i'll always miss having them around every corner. i'll always miss having lunch with my boys, and having jacq-jacq knock on my door rushing me to class. but next year is going to be great ;D
trust me ;)
1 comments
1 Comments:
i'm glad :)
By 
, at
11:23 pm
