i know i promised a flood of posts and pics on my graduation and the new zealand trip... but i need to get this out of my head first...
got my final results today. i'm not going to repeat what i got... but just know that when i saw the grade online... all i could do was cry. i know that it's a REALLY childish reflex to have... but i just couldn't believe it. for a split second... all i had playing on loop in my head was "it's over. how could you LET it be over!" by the time the figure settled into my head, it was time for me to get out of my cousin's room and tell the family how i did. nothing broke my heart more than to see their expectant, smiling faces turn to despair. mom truly believed that melbourne uni was a done deal for me... to tell her that it was all over... something i NEVER wanted to have to do. EVER.
then the 'fixing it' moment started. people telling me i didn't do badly and that i could still get entrance anywhere i wanted. that i'd done my best. that it wasn't all that bad. i felt like i was suffocating in my own panic. i had truly messed it up this time... and i didn't know what to do.
instinctively i ran to the phone to wake joel and mark up (mind you it was 4am in kl). like as if it would provide me with some form of comfort, i told them to get up cause the results were out. though i made no attempt to hide the fact that i was crying my head off... the boys still managed in their moments of incoherence and unconsciousness, to cheer me up and tell me that everything was NOT YET over. mark said 'hug hug' for the first time ;)
here's a bold but true fact: my friends HAVE NOT replaced my family. but instead they've become part of it. over the last 10 months, i've experienced MANY firsts. alone. here's the thing you realise when you go away... and for all you people reading this who are still at home, within proximity of your family - the people that support you... be grateful for that! because when you go away.... when you become alone... TRULY without a support system... it is the scariest thing that you will ever experience in your entire life. in moments when you feel like your world is collapsing around you - be it because of school or relationships or friendships or all of the above - when you come home... to NO ONE... and yet still having to force yourself to get up and LIVE... let's just say
not geting up
at all, becomes the more favoured option.
but i made friends... who kept me going and pulled me up whenever i fell this year. in times when i really needed mom to be here, but she just couldn't be... mark, joel, kevin, jacq and ai-lynn were. so this morning, when i felt like as if i really had nowhere else to go... i needed to talk to them. my only regret is that till today, eventhough she doesn't say it, i know that mom thinks that i only turn to them for comfort. that only the voices of my 'boys' can put a smile back on my face. but nothing could be further from the truth! we went through loads this year... together... and there were multiple times when i cried in front of them to save my mom from the long distance worry and unwanted sadness. and as childish as this may seem... they see the emotional aspect of disappointments and DELAY the rational so that i can cry and feel better and DEAL. i'm sorry that mom had to see me run to them when i got sad. but i needed someone to hug me and tell me that everything was going to be okay... i still need that.
so yeah... my day could not have started worse. in the midst of everyone packing up for home right now, i'm blogging away in ridwan's room. whether it is to avoid or hide i am yet to figure out. but all i know is....
i really don't know what to doi've messed things up so badi need to fix iti need to fix my mistakei need to get into melbourne university!I AM NOT GOING HOME FOR GOODi am not saying goodbye to this placei am not saying goodbye to my friendsi can't say goodbye...
