my new re-start ;)
Thursday, March 08, 2007
after more than a month of evading the topic of my blog... i've finally figured out what it is that's been gnawing at me about releasing a new post... i didn't want to put aside the previous entry with all the pics in it! ;p it looked so home-y opening up my sadly un-updated blog to find a barrage of colourful pictures staring unblinkingly back.
but hey... a month is WAY too long ;)
so to answer the burning question in everyone's minds... yes i am indeed still alive ;) the past weeks have been tough and i often found myself wrought with uncertainty and loss, experiencing emotions i was spared of last year in the company of my instant friends. but as i said... it's been a month. i've been made to uproot and move COMPLETELY out of my comfort zone, and said a fair share of goodbyes along the way.
i've moved to chapel street to a one bedroom apartment with LOTS more space. and to fill up that space, mom got me a kitten! a tortishell little rascal by the name of max who spends most of her days terrorizing scruffy and making mine just that much brighter ;)
and against all expectation... i'm doing great ;D
deakin was alot to get used to. standing 3 times smaller than my old campus in melbourne uni, getting used to the fact that i could walk the perimetre in under 15 minutes was already something that concerned me. as with most unis in australia, deakin came with their own foundation progam... so all the international kids i hoped to hang with on the days of orientation were already grouped in separate corners. ultimately, my first week was miserable to say the least! i had gone from having 3 lunch buddies everyday to eating lunch in the internet cafe on my own. what once was the anticipation of going into lectures knowing i'd be saved a seat by my friends no matter how late i turned up was now something i couldn't admit to. if i made it any later than 5 minutes early to a lecture, i'd be on the floor... on my own. the instability of being a BSc student, possessing one major, one minor and electives from multiple faculties left me in complete lalang mode, changing classes and classmates on an hourly basis. so yeah... my first week sucked.
you can imagine my elation when the-powers-that-be in melbourne uni told me that they may be opening their doors for a mid-year intake should i make the grade and still be interested. my response: HELL YEAH! the painful nightmare that was deakin in week 1 could have just been shortened to a bad 4-month dream, rewarded with a one-way ticket back 'home'. back to accompanied lunches and knowing exactly where i was going on campus without the risk of walking into a drain or pole somewhere (though some argue i do it anyway...). but best of all... i would be coming back to my friends. the 5 amazing souls that held my hand throughout the whole of last year... a thought that on its own rid me of every insecurity and fear about the coming months.
but as i biasedly contemplated this presented option, something occured to me. what was i really planning on busting my ass off for? was this motivation to get back into melbourne uni by july motivated by the academic aspect of it all... or was it something else? truth be told, deakin felt great. the lectures were slower and everyone was alot more laid back. and in its own little way, the campus was beautiful. yet everyday as i sat in the hr commute that takes me from home to burwood, i couldn't help but feel like i was walking into a place i didn't belong. it wasn't 'home'. and the thought of surviving it for another year petrified me. so what was it?!
duh! what else?! ignore the fact that everyone was already in different faculties, i needed to get back to melbourne uni because my friends were there. cause by going back in july, i'd be restoring the balance. no more running around trying to put everyone together, trying to preserve what once was an amazing arrangement. to put my melbourne family back together. see i always felt it was my responsibility because i was the one 'smart' enough to get booted to the freaking furthest corner of the earth. but over the last few days i've realised something else.
time and distance have taken its toll. my friends are hanging on to each other by a thread. and it has nothing to do with the fact that they aren't trying, because they are! i can even say their jobs have been made more difficult, being in the same university but just NOT able to be together. and yet here i am, jumping around like a freaking energizer bunny trying to ignore the gap and fall back in there. what once were the 6 kids from eap 3v that did everything together and killed each other's phonebills with 2 hour phonecalls each day... is still there. just not THERE. everyone is doing their best trying to swallow their new environments and courses that expecting things to be as they were was a foolish notion from the get-go.
but then what was i expected to do?! i went to class everyday waiting for the day to end so i could run home and call my friends. i'd make the trip to the city every chance i got so i could be near them and not give them an excuse to carry on without me. i was clinging on to the hope...
the reality of what we are now hit me hard. working my ass off to get back into melbourne uni by july may very well be a stupid idea. because at the end of the day, i'd be risking a much better education here at deakin... for the chance to be with my 'family', which was slowly but surely disintegrating.
so as i pondered and cried over my darkened future, i found something great. someone great.
mark tan.
my preoccupation with holding all SIX of us together forced me to overlook the one person in front of me. since recovering from the messed-up-ness that was the last 6 months, i naturally gravitated towards mark for salvation. somehow i kind of expected him to keep me at a distance, pacify me but not comfort me. mark always believed it was safer to keep people out because it saved yourself from letting any of the pain in. and to an extent i couldn'tve agreed with him more. but in those moments of loss, when i really needed someone to let me know that everything was going to be okay. that despite everything, there was going to be someone waiting for me when i got home if i needed them. mark surpassed what anyone and everyone would've expected of him and has been THAT person for me ;) (and before you start protesting mark... thanks ;) i couldn'tve survived these past weeks without you and know that i truly believe you'll be amazing at what you do and that the world will be lucky to know you ;) and i promise... no more clinging!)
granted we're both having a tough time adjusting to school and the absence of close friends in our daily routine, so we've both somewhat depended on each other to make up the difference. to know that we can both come home to someone dying to vent about their individual days is something i am truly grateful for. and mark made me realise something else... coming back to melbourne uni should be MY choice. he, along with ai-lynn, jacq, kevin and even joel in rmit will always be there waiting for me, but when i come back should and will be something i decide for ME.
so to ai-lynn, jacqueline, joel and kevin, thanks for making this transition as smooth as possible for me despite your own problems ;) to ai-lynn and jacq, i know medical school feels impossible right now, but just know that if anyone can hack it it's the two of you! to my poor sleep-deprived buddy joel, i wish i could stop time and give you more than an hour's sleep each night, but you're made for architecture joe... and you're gonna be great at it! to try and console kevin would be pointless cause he's brilliant... but for what it's worth... the drawing will get easier and you'll be better than fine, trust me ;p
that having been said... how am i doing at deakin university?
i'm doing amazing ;) i'm loving the campus more and more with each passing day and i've made a bunch of friends i can sit and chat with in lectures and tutorials. who knew my problem with making friends in the beginning was cause i didn't talk to the local kids ;p best part is, i'm who i WANT to be here. no one knows where i'm from or what i'm like academically. no one knows of my breakdown last year. no one knows of the crappy decisions i've made along the way. no one know ANYTHING! i'm just kat... the BSc psychology major trying to find her place in the world.
and i'm happier than i ever thought possible ;)
but hey... a month is WAY too long ;)
so to answer the burning question in everyone's minds... yes i am indeed still alive ;) the past weeks have been tough and i often found myself wrought with uncertainty and loss, experiencing emotions i was spared of last year in the company of my instant friends. but as i said... it's been a month. i've been made to uproot and move COMPLETELY out of my comfort zone, and said a fair share of goodbyes along the way.
i've moved to chapel street to a one bedroom apartment with LOTS more space. and to fill up that space, mom got me a kitten! a tortishell little rascal by the name of max who spends most of her days terrorizing scruffy and making mine just that much brighter ;)
and against all expectation... i'm doing great ;D
deakin was alot to get used to. standing 3 times smaller than my old campus in melbourne uni, getting used to the fact that i could walk the perimetre in under 15 minutes was already something that concerned me. as with most unis in australia, deakin came with their own foundation progam... so all the international kids i hoped to hang with on the days of orientation were already grouped in separate corners. ultimately, my first week was miserable to say the least! i had gone from having 3 lunch buddies everyday to eating lunch in the internet cafe on my own. what once was the anticipation of going into lectures knowing i'd be saved a seat by my friends no matter how late i turned up was now something i couldn't admit to. if i made it any later than 5 minutes early to a lecture, i'd be on the floor... on my own. the instability of being a BSc student, possessing one major, one minor and electives from multiple faculties left me in complete lalang mode, changing classes and classmates on an hourly basis. so yeah... my first week sucked.
you can imagine my elation when the-powers-that-be in melbourne uni told me that they may be opening their doors for a mid-year intake should i make the grade and still be interested. my response: HELL YEAH! the painful nightmare that was deakin in week 1 could have just been shortened to a bad 4-month dream, rewarded with a one-way ticket back 'home'. back to accompanied lunches and knowing exactly where i was going on campus without the risk of walking into a drain or pole somewhere (though some argue i do it anyway...). but best of all... i would be coming back to my friends. the 5 amazing souls that held my hand throughout the whole of last year... a thought that on its own rid me of every insecurity and fear about the coming months.
but as i biasedly contemplated this presented option, something occured to me. what was i really planning on busting my ass off for? was this motivation to get back into melbourne uni by july motivated by the academic aspect of it all... or was it something else? truth be told, deakin felt great. the lectures were slower and everyone was alot more laid back. and in its own little way, the campus was beautiful. yet everyday as i sat in the hr commute that takes me from home to burwood, i couldn't help but feel like i was walking into a place i didn't belong. it wasn't 'home'. and the thought of surviving it for another year petrified me. so what was it?!
duh! what else?! ignore the fact that everyone was already in different faculties, i needed to get back to melbourne uni because my friends were there. cause by going back in july, i'd be restoring the balance. no more running around trying to put everyone together, trying to preserve what once was an amazing arrangement. to put my melbourne family back together. see i always felt it was my responsibility because i was the one 'smart' enough to get booted to the freaking furthest corner of the earth. but over the last few days i've realised something else.
time and distance have taken its toll. my friends are hanging on to each other by a thread. and it has nothing to do with the fact that they aren't trying, because they are! i can even say their jobs have been made more difficult, being in the same university but just NOT able to be together. and yet here i am, jumping around like a freaking energizer bunny trying to ignore the gap and fall back in there. what once were the 6 kids from eap 3v that did everything together and killed each other's phonebills with 2 hour phonecalls each day... is still there. just not THERE. everyone is doing their best trying to swallow their new environments and courses that expecting things to be as they were was a foolish notion from the get-go.
but then what was i expected to do?! i went to class everyday waiting for the day to end so i could run home and call my friends. i'd make the trip to the city every chance i got so i could be near them and not give them an excuse to carry on without me. i was clinging on to the hope...
the reality of what we are now hit me hard. working my ass off to get back into melbourne uni by july may very well be a stupid idea. because at the end of the day, i'd be risking a much better education here at deakin... for the chance to be with my 'family', which was slowly but surely disintegrating.
so as i pondered and cried over my darkened future, i found something great. someone great.
mark tan.
my preoccupation with holding all SIX of us together forced me to overlook the one person in front of me. since recovering from the messed-up-ness that was the last 6 months, i naturally gravitated towards mark for salvation. somehow i kind of expected him to keep me at a distance, pacify me but not comfort me. mark always believed it was safer to keep people out because it saved yourself from letting any of the pain in. and to an extent i couldn'tve agreed with him more. but in those moments of loss, when i really needed someone to let me know that everything was going to be okay. that despite everything, there was going to be someone waiting for me when i got home if i needed them. mark surpassed what anyone and everyone would've expected of him and has been THAT person for me ;) (and before you start protesting mark... thanks ;) i couldn'tve survived these past weeks without you and know that i truly believe you'll be amazing at what you do and that the world will be lucky to know you ;) and i promise... no more clinging!)
granted we're both having a tough time adjusting to school and the absence of close friends in our daily routine, so we've both somewhat depended on each other to make up the difference. to know that we can both come home to someone dying to vent about their individual days is something i am truly grateful for. and mark made me realise something else... coming back to melbourne uni should be MY choice. he, along with ai-lynn, jacq, kevin and even joel in rmit will always be there waiting for me, but when i come back should and will be something i decide for ME.
so to ai-lynn, jacqueline, joel and kevin, thanks for making this transition as smooth as possible for me despite your own problems ;) to ai-lynn and jacq, i know medical school feels impossible right now, but just know that if anyone can hack it it's the two of you! to my poor sleep-deprived buddy joel, i wish i could stop time and give you more than an hour's sleep each night, but you're made for architecture joe... and you're gonna be great at it! to try and console kevin would be pointless cause he's brilliant... but for what it's worth... the drawing will get easier and you'll be better than fine, trust me ;p
that having been said... how am i doing at deakin university?
i'm doing amazing ;) i'm loving the campus more and more with each passing day and i've made a bunch of friends i can sit and chat with in lectures and tutorials. who knew my problem with making friends in the beginning was cause i didn't talk to the local kids ;p best part is, i'm who i WANT to be here. no one knows where i'm from or what i'm like academically. no one knows of my breakdown last year. no one knows of the crappy decisions i've made along the way. no one know ANYTHING! i'm just kat... the BSc psychology major trying to find her place in the world.
and i'm happier than i ever thought possible ;)
4 comments
4 Comments:
Hello Yana! Glad you're finally 'back'..all in one piece, good and fine! Just wanted to say the first few months of readjusting to a new environment may be tough, but hey, you will survive it..like you always do!! And whatever you have your heart set on, whether it's right or what-the-heck, just remember that I'm completely behind you, giving you those SA/Rumah Hijau cheers I'm so good at and thumping you on the back! Miss ya loads and hope your days are filled with sunny smiles! hehehe
By 
, at
7:31 pm
Hello Yana! Glad you're finally 'back'..all in one piece, good and fine! Just wanted to say the first few months of readjusting to a new environment may be tough, but hey, you will survive it..like you always do!! And whatever you have your heart set on, whether it's right or what-the-heck, just remember that I'm completely behind you, giving you those SA/Rumah Hijau cheers I'm so good at and thumping you on the back! Miss ya loads and hope your days are filled with sunny smiles! hehehe
By , at
7:31 pm
yana!
i'm glad that you're seeing deakin in a new light... not exactly the hellhole u thought it was huh? But having said that making it back into melb uni would be nice too... =) But when u do it, as u say, is your decision on what's best for urself... so go with your heart... so cliche!!! hahaha... cyaz round ya!
Kev
By , at
6:21 pm
lol..kevin.. so cliche.. how come u dont post comments in my blog too!!! i am jealous LOL>>> btw, YANA N KEVIN CHANGE TO 3!!!! i will be waiting..haha...yana, had a great lunch today:):)
By 
-jacqjacq-, at
5:04 pm
