.taking time to reminisce.
have you ever wondered of the effects of time? of how a day, a week, a month or even a year has changed the person that you are?
now most of us would come to our own defenses and argue that time has done
absolutely nothing to our personalities and views of life. how can it? we spend our entire lives investing in those attributes - what makes us who we are and our perceptions of how the world operates. a
year, a
month, a
week and
definitely NOT a
day filled with emotionally altering events is going to change that.
allow me to be the first stubborn person to say that that is a whole load of bullshit ;)
people change. we may overestimate the time it takes or the reasons that cause people to change, but ultimately people
DO change. but for the same reasons we never seem to notice ourselves putting on any weight, we don't realise that we've altered who we are because we see ourselves every single day!
before you start wondering what it was that sparked my current string of ramblings... know that there's a point to all this ;)
today, i decided to take a walk down memory lane and re-read all the posts from my old blog on friendster. for those of you looking for an interesting read, you should head down over there by clicking on the link i've set up. because the girl who wrote all those entries... is someone worth knowing. someone i truly miss.
not only was her grammar and style a lot more sophisticated than the incoherent scribblings you see on this page, but her writings were sincere and at most times significant. she wrote what she felt. she wrote about things that mattered to her. and even in moments of despair and worry, she was happy and genuinely hopeful. she was thankful for every blessing she'd received in life and didn't question them. and most of all... she was proud of who she was... even if others didn't feel the same.
demented and loving it was all about hope and discovery. from the first post that i added up the night after my senior prom, right down to the concluding entry about my departure from trinity's yearbook committee, it felt like my life had a silver lining adorning every dark cloud. it was about me leaving home for the first time and adjusting into my newfound life in melbourne. and it was also about me learning to accept the deeper connections i'd formed with my friends without apprehension and doubt. i was happy.
sabotaging fate seems to me as being just that. me trying to find a flaw in nature's design of my life and challenging it. a year has changed me so much! in ways that i am not necessarily proud of. i was once driven and confident, refusing to accept second best when it came to what i wanted to do academically. and eventhough i hovered in a realm of self-destruciton all the time should things not turn out the way it should... i fought back! i was stronger then...
looking back on who i was... i find myself rather concerned. like as if, eventhough i'm alot more comfortable in my own skin now, having taking life at a slower pace... it has come at the cost of an increase in insecurity and bitterness. my non-existent social/personal life never used to bother me, rather i relished in the individuality i possessed... but now i pride myself on being cynical and banish the idea of 'eventuallies' and 'happily ever afters'.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!
things have changed. i miss my friends more than they could possibly understand... i never thought it was possible to miss them this much with only a river separating us... but it's the truth. just under a year ago, i wrote a post about what i loved about my friends. now here's what i miss...
i miss laughing with joel. our late night conversations talking about the world and poking fun at anyone who thought any different ;) how we could just be completely silly around each other and not have any ideals or expectations of ourselves. i miss my big brother...
i miss clowing around with jacq-jacq. how i could always run down the hall and bang on her door so we could watch movies together and oogle at the cute actors. i miss not having an entire city separating us and different schools dividing us even further...
i miss talking to mark. just how the two of us could talk without the burden of the world hanging over us. without guilt or obligation, just him being his sarcastic self and me being the immature 5-year-old that i am ;) without needing a purpose for each call. i miss seeing him more than once a week...
i miss them being there...
i miss
me being there...
so from
demented and loving it to
sabotaging fate i admit that i have changed. whether it's for the better or for the worse i don't think i'll ever know for certain. but what i do know is that it was inevitable. life forced me to grow up and change a few wires along the way. i'm not proud of some of the decisions i've made or the reactions i adopted in dealing with them, but i am glad to say i'm trying. i'm definitely not the 17-year-old girl on her way to medicine at melbourne uni anymore, but i'm the almost-19-year-old girl studying psychology at deakin... but working her ass off to be the 19-year-old medical student at melbourne uni ;)
for my friends... all i can say is that i miss you guys... so much every day. but i'm okay ;) or atleast i will be... ;D
the one thing that one year in melbourne hasn't taken away from me... i miss home! i miss my hugs from mom and hafiz and i miss my cats ;) i miss how life felt so safe and certain back in hectic kl... but that's the best part about family. you'll never lose them... no matter how hard you try ;D
so for those of you looking to take a stroll through your past, be warned! time is a tricky thing. but regardless of whether you like or hate what you see, just know that the fact we're all still standing in this crazy world...
... is an amazing feat all on its own... ;)
