my month...
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
i've had the most hectic month. never did i believe it possible to feel as much or to struggle as much as i have in the last 30 days. granted, to compare my pain with that of those who surround themselves with utter chaos and true suffering would be nothing short of a crime... buta pinprick is still a pinprick. it may not be gunshot to the head... but it bleeds all the same ;)
academically things have been going okay. last semester yielded pretty good results, leaving me relatively confident of my hopeful transfer to melbourne uni. with that in mind, i attended the university's open day on the 19th. i don't know whether it's because i'm a uni student now... a far cry from the eager post-secondary kid that wandered the grounds last year... but the responses i got were pretty hopeful. i was told that i can look to apply sometime in october if my grades permit...
now someone in my postition - determined and ready to go with a distinction average in her back pocket - would be rather 'stoked' about all the hype and encouragement. but all i've faced with since is a barrage of decisions and conflicts about whether i should stay or move. now i can hear most of you going "what the? she's be going on and on and on about moving to melbourne uni and about how much deakin isn't the right fit... why is she backing out now?!"
it's because lately i've learned that there is a higher order in life than that which we occupy. and no... i haven't joined a religious sect or reinforced my faith (though i know i should!) since writing last and i'm not referring to any religious references either. i'm talking about life in general. about how sometimes you get so caught up in the things that YOU want... you forget that there are people and environments around you that depend on the choices you make. by moving to melbourne uni i'll be leaving the security of deakin behind. i've made friends at that school who have no idea that i've been planning to leave all this while. some will undoubtedly take it as a betrayal... whilst i look to others and be saddened by the fact that i won't have the time to build proper friendships with them all. i leave deakin for an environment that is definitely more challenging. more demanding. can i keep my head above water over there? but then... why move why i'm doing laps already where i am? BUT THEN... i acknowledge how much deakin has relaxed me... and no matter how great or comfortable the uni looks, this is an attitude that i can't continue. i've lost the drive. i've lost the rhythm of it all. and i'm the works of getting it back... but... is it too late? have i slipped so far down the chain this semester, that all because i was trying to fit in and have fun... i've already let my future at melbourne uni go?!
and as we progress past the academic confusion that currently occupies my headspace ;)
my social life has been nothing but a rollercoaster. to name names would be unfair, but those of you who know me best know of the people to which i refer. there were moments where i absolutely loved where i was at, happy and free and feeling for the first time that i was actually wanted. and at other times, i felt degraded... not by others but by myself... for having allowed them to take me for granted and for putting up with it for so long. for a person who holds so much standards and ideals about life and relationships, i can't believe i'd subjective myself to all that. for not taking a hint when i should have... and most of all... for not returning the hint back!
so i can honestly say... that after 18 months of pining for a boy who wouldn't love me back and struggling for a school that wouldn't take me... i have let everything go and have started all over again ;) i know what i want in life and i'm gonna make damn sure that everything is going to be okay. i've come to realise what's important in life... my family and the friends that surround me... the future i chart for myself... and the lives i can touch on the way ;)
with that in mind... here are the pictures i promised :D
gwen stefani's concert at rod laver arena (thanks to berlin and uncle lawrence for bringing me!!)
have a great week everybody! hug hug ;)
academically things have been going okay. last semester yielded pretty good results, leaving me relatively confident of my hopeful transfer to melbourne uni. with that in mind, i attended the university's open day on the 19th. i don't know whether it's because i'm a uni student now... a far cry from the eager post-secondary kid that wandered the grounds last year... but the responses i got were pretty hopeful. i was told that i can look to apply sometime in october if my grades permit...
now someone in my postition - determined and ready to go with a distinction average in her back pocket - would be rather 'stoked' about all the hype and encouragement. but all i've faced with since is a barrage of decisions and conflicts about whether i should stay or move. now i can hear most of you going "what the? she's be going on and on and on about moving to melbourne uni and about how much deakin isn't the right fit... why is she backing out now?!"
it's because lately i've learned that there is a higher order in life than that which we occupy. and no... i haven't joined a religious sect or reinforced my faith (though i know i should!) since writing last and i'm not referring to any religious references either. i'm talking about life in general. about how sometimes you get so caught up in the things that YOU want... you forget that there are people and environments around you that depend on the choices you make. by moving to melbourne uni i'll be leaving the security of deakin behind. i've made friends at that school who have no idea that i've been planning to leave all this while. some will undoubtedly take it as a betrayal... whilst i look to others and be saddened by the fact that i won't have the time to build proper friendships with them all. i leave deakin for an environment that is definitely more challenging. more demanding. can i keep my head above water over there? but then... why move why i'm doing laps already where i am? BUT THEN... i acknowledge how much deakin has relaxed me... and no matter how great or comfortable the uni looks, this is an attitude that i can't continue. i've lost the drive. i've lost the rhythm of it all. and i'm the works of getting it back... but... is it too late? have i slipped so far down the chain this semester, that all because i was trying to fit in and have fun... i've already let my future at melbourne uni go?!
and as we progress past the academic confusion that currently occupies my headspace ;)
my social life has been nothing but a rollercoaster. to name names would be unfair, but those of you who know me best know of the people to which i refer. there were moments where i absolutely loved where i was at, happy and free and feeling for the first time that i was actually wanted. and at other times, i felt degraded... not by others but by myself... for having allowed them to take me for granted and for putting up with it for so long. for a person who holds so much standards and ideals about life and relationships, i can't believe i'd subjective myself to all that. for not taking a hint when i should have... and most of all... for not returning the hint back!
so i can honestly say... that after 18 months of pining for a boy who wouldn't love me back and struggling for a school that wouldn't take me... i have let everything go and have started all over again ;) i know what i want in life and i'm gonna make damn sure that everything is going to be okay. i've come to realise what's important in life... my family and the friends that surround me... the future i chart for myself... and the lives i can touch on the way ;)
with that in mind... here are the pictures i promised :D
gwen stefani's concert at rod laver arena (thanks to berlin and uncle lawrence for bringing me!!)
road trip to mount dandenong for berlin's 18th birthday:
have a great week everybody! hug hug ;)
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