stuck
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
the title pretty much epitomizes how i'm feeling right now...
stuck.
this thing with millie is really starting to get to me. though everyone at home (with the exception of hafiz) knows what's roughly going on with her, i feel like i'm the only one carrying the burden around. at the risk of sounding insanely self-centred, i was the only one in that examination room who was given the play-by-play of millie's symptoms. so now every time she falls asleep - which is about every hour or so on average - i feel like the walking dead. every time she looks me in the eye, i feel like the walking dead. every time i carry her and cradle her huge tummy in my hands, i feel like the walking dead. i feel like crap every second that i'm around her and even more so when i'm not and wondering if she's okay. in 24 hours i've grown obsessed with whether she's taken her meds - which is stupid because it's a daily dose, which brings the consumption count to about one since yesterday. i don't even have time to worry about whether i'll get to keep max because the thought of potentially losing TWO of my cats is something my brain can't even seem to process.
and since a pity fest is never complete without more self-loathing, i really really miss mark and jacqueline. in fact, i miss all my friends. ridiculous, i know, considering most of them aren't very far away to begin with. but as i often do when faced with troubles of any nature, i run to them on instinct. i pick up the phone or take that 15 minute train ride just so i can vent and/or cry about whatever it is that's bothering me. instantly, i feel like i can breathe again if i do. this has unfortunately developed into a habit. by the time mark grew accustomed to being my default panic button, it was barely a year into our friendship and i was yet to hear any stories about the things that plague his life. jacqueline has been like a little sister to me since we first met, and i have only seen her cry once. same goes for jacqui, cammy, afiq and anyone else unlucky enough to be inaugarated into my close circle of friends.
i feel like i've always been the one that needed saving - irregardless of whether i was elder one in the equation. i was always taking and consoling my conscience that merely telling them that i was there, that they would come to me when they needed me - that THAT was my way of giving back. and yet neither one of them ever has. accumulatively, each and every one of them could dictate the entire list of things that have ever happened in my life. each primary references to the convoluted mess that is the chronicles of katyana azman. but if i were the one tasked with penning their memiors... i probably wouldn't make it past the prologue.
this basically translates to two things. either i am the most emotionally challenged individual on the planet - completely incapable of organising my own feelings that i resort to needing others to sort it out for me. or that i've been a crappy excuse for a friend and just haven't been paying enough attention. either way... things aren't looking too good for me.
so as much as i want to cry. as much as i want to scream. as much as i want to hear mark and jacqueline's voices and have them give me their signature 'pat pat's and 'big hug's... i'm not going to. because knowing that they're struggling through their own problems and never needing to be coddled as i do, makes me want to cry and scream even more.
i REALLY miss my friends. and i REALLY don't want to have to leave home. and i DEFINITELY don't want to have to watch if millie starts to get sicker. but topping my list of things i don't want to do:
i REALLY don't want to have to need people.
stuck.
this thing with millie is really starting to get to me. though everyone at home (with the exception of hafiz) knows what's roughly going on with her, i feel like i'm the only one carrying the burden around. at the risk of sounding insanely self-centred, i was the only one in that examination room who was given the play-by-play of millie's symptoms. so now every time she falls asleep - which is about every hour or so on average - i feel like the walking dead. every time she looks me in the eye, i feel like the walking dead. every time i carry her and cradle her huge tummy in my hands, i feel like the walking dead. i feel like crap every second that i'm around her and even more so when i'm not and wondering if she's okay. in 24 hours i've grown obsessed with whether she's taken her meds - which is stupid because it's a daily dose, which brings the consumption count to about one since yesterday. i don't even have time to worry about whether i'll get to keep max because the thought of potentially losing TWO of my cats is something my brain can't even seem to process.
and since a pity fest is never complete without more self-loathing, i really really miss mark and jacqueline. in fact, i miss all my friends. ridiculous, i know, considering most of them aren't very far away to begin with. but as i often do when faced with troubles of any nature, i run to them on instinct. i pick up the phone or take that 15 minute train ride just so i can vent and/or cry about whatever it is that's bothering me. instantly, i feel like i can breathe again if i do. this has unfortunately developed into a habit. by the time mark grew accustomed to being my default panic button, it was barely a year into our friendship and i was yet to hear any stories about the things that plague his life. jacqueline has been like a little sister to me since we first met, and i have only seen her cry once. same goes for jacqui, cammy, afiq and anyone else unlucky enough to be inaugarated into my close circle of friends.
i feel like i've always been the one that needed saving - irregardless of whether i was elder one in the equation. i was always taking and consoling my conscience that merely telling them that i was there, that they would come to me when they needed me - that THAT was my way of giving back. and yet neither one of them ever has. accumulatively, each and every one of them could dictate the entire list of things that have ever happened in my life. each primary references to the convoluted mess that is the chronicles of katyana azman. but if i were the one tasked with penning their memiors... i probably wouldn't make it past the prologue.
this basically translates to two things. either i am the most emotionally challenged individual on the planet - completely incapable of organising my own feelings that i resort to needing others to sort it out for me. or that i've been a crappy excuse for a friend and just haven't been paying enough attention. either way... things aren't looking too good for me.
so as much as i want to cry. as much as i want to scream. as much as i want to hear mark and jacqueline's voices and have them give me their signature 'pat pat's and 'big hug's... i'm not going to. because knowing that they're struggling through their own problems and never needing to be coddled as i do, makes me want to cry and scream even more.
i REALLY miss my friends. and i REALLY don't want to have to leave home. and i DEFINITELY don't want to have to watch if millie starts to get sicker. but topping my list of things i don't want to do:
i REALLY don't want to have to need people.
1 comments
1 Comments:
i'm calling you tomorrow. *BIG HUGS x infinity*
