end of the month...
Monday, May 31, 2010
where has the month of may gone?! i usually gravitate my yearly calendar around the fifth month... may's always been yana's january ^^ who needs the 1st of the 1st... when the 1st of the 5th always came with presents ;)
but work has undoubtedly had my attention this entire semester. 12 weeks have come and left... and my sitting through the GradDip orientation session still felt like it was a few days ago. thankfully, the end of any trimester comes with certain perks!
exhibit A:
the pre-existing side of my desktop has striked out by a ginormous margin... all i have left to do is to submit the final version of my lit review - which theoretically isn't due till just before the beginning of the next timester - and i'll be in the clear! ^^ this also means that if everything goes according to plan, i'll get to go home in just under 3 weeks! *happy dance*. i'll only be allowed back for 6 days... but hey. if you're away long enough... you'll take anything you can get ;)
that does, of course, mean that i have to survive finals first... noted by the latest additions to my screen O_O. but oh well... a necessary evil ^^ (note: funny... that's what my classmates and i refer to the entire course we're doing! XD)
anyways... i better try and get a head start on that studying. took the entire weekend off despite promising to do otherwise :( been feeling pretty down lately, for specific reasons unknown. as always, i'm blaming it on the insane amount of work and stress this course has me under. not that i should be complaining... if any program would introduce me to the horrors of med school... it'd be this! all of mom's dr friends have said that if i could survive one year of postgrad... medicine would be a walk in the park! funny how i don't really believe them O_O hahaha!
but yeah... work is stressful and my mind's divided over the fact that i want and should be applying for med school at this point. however, it so much feels like something i should sit down and take the time to do - a luxury i can't afford with trying to prep for assignments and exams. jacqueline's gone back to singapore as part of the summer break she never got - which basically means i have no one to talk to when the day ends :( she usually goes on about her love for all things lee minho... and i decide that my boy khun would kick minho's ass at all things hotness-related... and we squabble for about an hour while i make the trip home from uni. completely unimportant in the grand scheme of things... but not having someone to 'argue' with everyday has kind of reinforced the silence.
it's strange, considering the fact that i used to talk to the boys more. i still do speak to mark on an average daily basis... but eversince i decided to take stock of our friendship, the content of our conversations have markedly (no pun intended) changed. i realised that my relationship with the boys i knew from trinity - namely mark and kevin - started out backward. they were responsible for talking me down and/or putting me back together after some pretty major drama... and friendships shouldn't start that way! after spending some time at deakin and 'getting a life of my own', i realised just how messed up our interactions were! and with all the stuff that me and kevin were going through after our first year in melbourne, he could no longer became the one i unloaded my crap on to. a duty that - till this very day - i feel guilty about imparting on mark.
sarah likes to refer to my 'relationship' to both mark and kevin as a 'the threesome period' O_O. rather crude and grotesque when mentioned out loud... but kind of logical when thought about in context. i was such a drama queen that BOTH of them had to be around to baby me when i needed it back then. if kevin was detained for whatever reason, mark would make sure i knew that he knew that he was now the one 'in charge' of taking care of me. for an 18-yr-old girl whom had had a rather crappy track record with the men in her life, that notion made me all warm and fuzzy each day. but i'm 22 now... and i'd like to think i did some major growing up these last few years. kevin and i have maintained an awesome friendship, but it's my relationship with mark that remains the subject of many personal psych assessments.
over the last couple of years, i couldn't help but ask myself one pretty basic question:
i don't deny that he cares for me. i say that with complete confidence. because i would do just about anything for him in return. but i'm not foolish enough to blindly say that he's as emotionally vested into our friendship as i am. he knows every detail about my life... all the things i'm not proud of... all the things that keep me up at night and scare the shit out of me. and he knows those things not because he asked or was there to witness it first hand - he knows because i'd call him up in a manic and force it onto him. and yet in 4.5yrs... i could count the amount of times he's done that to me on one hand! but mark isn't an overtly emotional person. he'd much rather stew over things that piss him off and (like a pressure cooker) let the steam blow off on its own. so i've stopped fussing over this inbalance on my part... he knows he has my undivided attention whenever he needs.
but i guess what this ridiculously convoluted post is trying to get to, is that i've stopped. i looked at my friendship with mark - one that means the absolute world to me, one that i want alive and kicking when my kids need someone to spoil them - and realised that i didn't want it governed by trauma. i remember talking to him on the phone one day and he said "you don't tell me things anymore". i brushed him off jokingly and said "yeah, i think i've fulfilled the 'yana's dumping of problems on mark' quota for the day", and he said with complete seriousness "you know there's no such thing. there's no quota for you to fill, kat. if you have something on your mind, talk to me". it was the sweetest and scariest thing anyone's ever said to me. i realised that i couldn't condemn him to the perpetual role of being my saviour. i was almost 20 at the time, and didn't want our friendship dictated by my mental and emotional instability. i guess i wanted mark to be my friend for me. for the funny, brilliant and drop-dead gorgeous, me! XD
so i don't call on him anymore when i'm feeling down. in fact, i make a point to NOT call him when i'm feeling like crap. which is why the last few days have been pretty horrible. i'm seriously beginning to think that i'm suffering from a comorbid case of depression as a result of my IR (another fascinating tid bit i discovered during my lit review research). then again it could also mean i'm a lazy bum who's burnt out and couldn't be bothered with work ;) but either way... the conclusion of this semester has been downright miserable - and with mom out of the country and operating on a reversed timezone, i can't even rely on my 4-5daily calls routine to keep me going! :( but i don't want her feeling bad about me and rushing home (or maybe even over since apparently melbourne's closer to where she's at). hahaha. i'm just gonna have to 'bite the bullet' as she colloquially says... and pray that the 'omg i want to stare at the ceiling all day and hope the couch consumes me' feeling goes away in time for finals ^^
oh and before i put an end to the post that should've concluded 6million words ago...
but work has undoubtedly had my attention this entire semester. 12 weeks have come and left... and my sitting through the GradDip orientation session still felt like it was a few days ago. thankfully, the end of any trimester comes with certain perks!
exhibit A:
the pre-existing side of my desktop has striked out by a ginormous margin... all i have left to do is to submit the final version of my lit review - which theoretically isn't due till just before the beginning of the next timester - and i'll be in the clear! ^^ this also means that if everything goes according to plan, i'll get to go home in just under 3 weeks! *happy dance*. i'll only be allowed back for 6 days... but hey. if you're away long enough... you'll take anything you can get ;)
that does, of course, mean that i have to survive finals first... noted by the latest additions to my screen O_O. but oh well... a necessary evil ^^ (note: funny... that's what my classmates and i refer to the entire course we're doing! XD)
anyways... i better try and get a head start on that studying. took the entire weekend off despite promising to do otherwise :( been feeling pretty down lately, for specific reasons unknown. as always, i'm blaming it on the insane amount of work and stress this course has me under. not that i should be complaining... if any program would introduce me to the horrors of med school... it'd be this! all of mom's dr friends have said that if i could survive one year of postgrad... medicine would be a walk in the park! funny how i don't really believe them O_O hahaha!
but yeah... work is stressful and my mind's divided over the fact that i want and should be applying for med school at this point. however, it so much feels like something i should sit down and take the time to do - a luxury i can't afford with trying to prep for assignments and exams. jacqueline's gone back to singapore as part of the summer break she never got - which basically means i have no one to talk to when the day ends :( she usually goes on about her love for all things lee minho... and i decide that my boy khun would kick minho's ass at all things hotness-related... and we squabble for about an hour while i make the trip home from uni. completely unimportant in the grand scheme of things... but not having someone to 'argue' with everyday has kind of reinforced the silence.
it's strange, considering the fact that i used to talk to the boys more. i still do speak to mark on an average daily basis... but eversince i decided to take stock of our friendship, the content of our conversations have markedly (no pun intended) changed. i realised that my relationship with the boys i knew from trinity - namely mark and kevin - started out backward. they were responsible for talking me down and/or putting me back together after some pretty major drama... and friendships shouldn't start that way! after spending some time at deakin and 'getting a life of my own', i realised just how messed up our interactions were! and with all the stuff that me and kevin were going through after our first year in melbourne, he could no longer became the one i unloaded my crap on to. a duty that - till this very day - i feel guilty about imparting on mark.
sarah likes to refer to my 'relationship' to both mark and kevin as a 'the threesome period' O_O. rather crude and grotesque when mentioned out loud... but kind of logical when thought about in context. i was such a drama queen that BOTH of them had to be around to baby me when i needed it back then. if kevin was detained for whatever reason, mark would make sure i knew that he knew that he was now the one 'in charge' of taking care of me. for an 18-yr-old girl whom had had a rather crappy track record with the men in her life, that notion made me all warm and fuzzy each day. but i'm 22 now... and i'd like to think i did some major growing up these last few years. kevin and i have maintained an awesome friendship, but it's my relationship with mark that remains the subject of many personal psych assessments.
over the last couple of years, i couldn't help but ask myself one pretty basic question:
'if mark had a choice... if someone had given mark the choice of not being the one responsible for yana's nonesense... if i was in fact shameful enough at the time not to call him in particular whenever my life got bad... would he still be that person for me today?'
i don't deny that he cares for me. i say that with complete confidence. because i would do just about anything for him in return. but i'm not foolish enough to blindly say that he's as emotionally vested into our friendship as i am. he knows every detail about my life... all the things i'm not proud of... all the things that keep me up at night and scare the shit out of me. and he knows those things not because he asked or was there to witness it first hand - he knows because i'd call him up in a manic and force it onto him. and yet in 4.5yrs... i could count the amount of times he's done that to me on one hand! but mark isn't an overtly emotional person. he'd much rather stew over things that piss him off and (like a pressure cooker) let the steam blow off on its own. so i've stopped fussing over this inbalance on my part... he knows he has my undivided attention whenever he needs.
but i guess what this ridiculously convoluted post is trying to get to, is that i've stopped. i looked at my friendship with mark - one that means the absolute world to me, one that i want alive and kicking when my kids need someone to spoil them - and realised that i didn't want it governed by trauma. i remember talking to him on the phone one day and he said "you don't tell me things anymore". i brushed him off jokingly and said "yeah, i think i've fulfilled the 'yana's dumping of problems on mark' quota for the day", and he said with complete seriousness "you know there's no such thing. there's no quota for you to fill, kat. if you have something on your mind, talk to me". it was the sweetest and scariest thing anyone's ever said to me. i realised that i couldn't condemn him to the perpetual role of being my saviour. i was almost 20 at the time, and didn't want our friendship dictated by my mental and emotional instability. i guess i wanted mark to be my friend for me. for the funny, brilliant and drop-dead gorgeous, me! XD
so i don't call on him anymore when i'm feeling down. in fact, i make a point to NOT call him when i'm feeling like crap. which is why the last few days have been pretty horrible. i'm seriously beginning to think that i'm suffering from a comorbid case of depression as a result of my IR (another fascinating tid bit i discovered during my lit review research). then again it could also mean i'm a lazy bum who's burnt out and couldn't be bothered with work ;) but either way... the conclusion of this semester has been downright miserable - and with mom out of the country and operating on a reversed timezone, i can't even rely on my 4-5daily calls routine to keep me going! :( but i don't want her feeling bad about me and rushing home (or maybe even over since apparently melbourne's closer to where she's at). hahaha. i'm just gonna have to 'bite the bullet' as she colloquially says... and pray that the 'omg i want to stare at the ceiling all day and hope the couch consumes me' feeling goes away in time for finals ^^
oh and before i put an end to the post that should've concluded 6million words ago...
HAPPY BELATED 22ND BIRTHDAY, CAMELIA SOO!
i know i wished you online and on facebook... but i figured the more avenues the better! ;) love you!
till the next time verbal diarrhea consumes me! ^^
till the next time verbal diarrhea consumes me! ^^
0 comments
